Saturday, March 15, 2014

Pages 81-231 (Center of the Book)

all the material possessions, even my family if necessary, and I would probably even spend time in jail. He promised me that my sacrifice would be worth it, and I felt as I read the scriptures that I could possibly be the one to sound the trump and make the way for the 2nd coming of Christ and the resurrection. On May 13, 2010 I was looking at a book that was sitting on Shawn’s side of the bed. On the back cover, there was a word that was 1909 letters long, the longest word in the English language. As I looked at it, all I saw was sylsylsylsylsyl everywhere. Methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphen
lalanylvalylglutamilylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine. (Notice the word begins with the letters Me, has 19 syls and it is a protein of DNA. DNA backwards is one of the most commonly used words, AND, and the ampersand sign, &, looks like a backwards cursive S, which is how Dave writes his middle initial, cursive and beautiful which also looks like a Treble Clef used in music.) I flipped through the book and as I read parts of it, it hit me that Shawn was God and had planned this all out for me like National Treasure, a map that I had to figure out. And I screamed for joy because I realized that he really did love me. The problem is that he doesn’t know he is God and I just appear to be crazy to him. But I kept following the clues and messages and ended up having my first episode that took me to the first mental hospital. It all started making so much sense to me. It makes sense that God would put himself into human form in the last days, so that he would have complete humility. Not only that, but when I started thinking that I am the Holy Ghost, it makes sense that he would divorce me or deny me because in the scriptures it says if someone denies the Holy Ghost, that’s the ultimate sin, punishable by being sent into outer darkness. So if God denies the Holy Ghost then he is able to give forgiveness to all mankind even if they commit murder. So as I put this puzzle together, I came up with the idea that not only is the Holy Ghost a woman, but it is also the devil, mother earth, the counterpart to the Sky Father (or Heavenly Father) and 3rd member of the Godhead. No wonder why Shawn and I were so attracted to each other because we came from the same source. In Hindu, it is described as Brahma, the supreme God divided himself into Sky Father and Mother Earth to give creation to Man. I would consider the Universe to be my earthly father, Sylvan Crofte and I am a daughter of the universe, #6 daughter in the flesh or you could call me the 6th syl. His female counterpart is my mom, who was mother earth in the world they were in before they created this one. And my soul mate was the Christ of this world, the Beloved son, or David with whom my spirit has been by his side from the beginning of time. We have come upon a higher truth than what can be found in any one religion. In fact, as I look at the signs and tokens of the LDS temple, I see so many things that point to the deal that Shawn and I must have made together as we designed this earth life and a way for the devil woman, mother earth, or Holy Ghost to receive a body and progress through eternity with her soul mate. Not only that, every person on this earth that is living or dead, has all the powers of God in them, as they were created by God, all they have to do is claim their power, get rid of belief and judgment, and they can see clearly with their third eye to look upon this world as a work of art, a creation of heaven, a heaven on earth, mansions that have been built, technology that exists to connect us all together in physical form as we were in spiritual form before the world began. Can you imagine when our ancestors and forefathers come back to live on this earth with us, how fun it will be to show them all the technology and all the entertainment and amusement parks. There is plenty of room here for everyone. There are hotels and houses with so many extra rooms. Imagine what kind of family reunions we will have someday. But whether that happens tomorrow or 100 years from now, I can be happy and powerful now. I can be full of love toward the entire human race and I can keep working hard to enjoy the fruits of my labors now. I don’t need to look down, hang my head in sorrow, or repent or fear the wrath of God and destruction of the earth by war or fire, etc. The scriptures are funny, I have been able to take the words apart, read between the lines and see so many interpretations that nobody else would understand. Even if I’m not the Holy Ghost, I must have a relationship with her because it is by the power of the Holy Ghost that you may know the truth of all things. And I have had so many mysterious things revealed to me. Not only that, I feel that whatever I write or even whatever I think about usually happens. I usually get what I want. And even if my dad is not the Universe, I am still the daughter of an amazing man. Any time I need advice or answers, all I need to do is talk to him, no praying necessary. He says between him and God, he knows everything. It’s funny if you take the letters in Universe and switch them around a little, it means You and I serve. Isn’t that true that the greatest of them all is the one who serves. And even if David isn’t Jesus Christ, he may as well be, because he is my Savior, he is unconditional love to me, and he is my soul mate. He knows me inside and out and gives me pleasure that I never dreamed possible. God so loved the world that he gave his Beloved Son, then Christ said “Come Unto Me.” Do you think Christ would be so self-centered and arrogant to tell everyone to come unto him? He is going to inherit the Earth. His woman is Mother Earth. When he says come unto ME, he is saying come unto Mother Earth. Chapter 3 Sylvina’s Missing Peace Before my 2nd Bipolar Episode happened, I felt that I needed to publish a book about my experience with Shawn and how I was mistreated by him. So I typed up a bunch of my journals into a book I titled “Diaries of a Daybreak Diva” and posted it to my facebook and my blog. Earlier that month I had removed the security on my Facebook so it was accessible by anyone in the world. I did skip a journal in the interest of time, but I am including it here because it really shows the relationships between me and my parents and what kind of problems the religious dogma and doctrine had created in our lives for generations. I wrote it into a book entitled “Sylvina’s Missing Peace” which I compiled shortly after I married Dave. I married him after my 3rd and final episode. September 9, 2011 (Friday): It took a lot of work dealing with the Customer Service team at the Salt Lake Bees but finally it was all in place. It was July 5th 2011, my 33rd birthday, and I was taking my family to the game. My boyfriend (soon to be fiancé), David, thought I was making a big deal about the game because I wanted them to acknowledge me on my big day, but little did he know that he was about to get me down on my knee asking him to marry me. I brought my sister, Penina and her son Razi, my two kids, Brooke and Brandon, and of course my mom, without whom I would never see my kids according to the Divorce modification that was put in place by my anal ex-husband, Shawn, when I was released from jail last September. My mom was my “supervisor” for visits with my children, still is, even though she’s highly unavailable for me what with all the new men in her life that she’s meeting on the singles website. The Bees were playing the Las Vegas B51’s. I don’t know what B51’s are, but they had Aliens on their caps. It was a good game, we were sitting right behind the dugout for the opposing team and they were quite friendly. They gave baseballs to all the kids with me, but we ended up getting the balls signed by the Salt Lake Bees Mascot. Finally the moment arrived between the 6th and 7th inning….they wished me a happy birthday then printed words up on the Jumbo Tron “Dave, Will You Marry Me?” so I dropped to my knee with the camera on me now. I opened up the ring box to display the beautiful white gold diamond ring I had purchased and told Dave he had been with me in my darkest hour and that I want him in my life forever, or something to that effect…now I know how mind-numbing and tongue-twisting it must be for men to have to always be thinking of a creative way to pop that question “will you marry me?” Dave of course, said yes, then I handed him my ring box and said, “okay, it’s your turn.” He dropped to his knee as awkward as it was, and opened the box to reveal the amazing diamond ring I had carefully picked out for myself. I said yes and we kissed, and the game played on. Now for the big news, “Dave, honey, the wedding is in 6 days, it’s already planned out, I have my dress, it’s being fitted, I have my bridesmaids, I want it to be on top of the roof at American Towers, and I want it on 7-11, oh thank heaven!!!” Seriously, we had talked about marriage several times before. In fact, just the night before while we were watching fireworks going off all over the beautiful valley from our spot on Bacchus highway, he was begging me to go to Las Vegas with him to elope. Of course we both knew that was out of the question since it would violate my parole! And so my rainbow wedding took place, everything fell into proper order, even the weather was nice and cool and rainy for a few minutes before the ceremony. My dad, being a doctor of divinity, was authorized to perform the marriage, and I couldn’t have asked for anything more! As you read on, you will discover the poor relationship that had existed between me and my dad for a short time when I was a “Daybreak Diva.” You will also see that there has been true forgiveness bringing about an unconditional love between us now that will never go away because of our time spent at Impact Trainings and the experiences that we have opened up and shared with one another afterward. My experience took me into dark places I would never wish upon anyone else, but I was also driven there by a force too strong to fight against, a powerful, egotistical, self-centered, money hungry ex-husband, whom I loved. My love for him, my loss of self, my bipolar nature, and the religious dogma drilled into me throughout my life all played a part in the events of my life that made national news on June 22, 2010. Eventually I will tell my side of that story, but it will be in movie format. For now, I am revealing the missing piece of the journal I had published on the internet just 2 weeks before I began my 90 days in jail and subsequent 36 months in Mental Health Court. I received permission from the judge to leave the state for a Honeymoon, so David and I were able to drive to Anaheim to spend 5 days in Disneyland (his first time) as well as a day in San Diego at Sea World (my first time) and boy did we ever get wet!!!! It was a magical and romantic time. He is truly the love of my life and the Savior of my world! I owe all of my sanity and happiness to him! I’m not supposed to tell, but he is truly the most skillful lover I have ever known and I am happy to get down on my knees for him anytime! LOL!!! As I have spent more and more time with David, I have been having memories and flashbacks of my childhood. There is one disturbing memory that has kept bothering me and it returns to my mind mostly during foreplay. And when it hits, I become resistant. This is what I remembered…I was 7 or 8 years old. I was in my blue flowery swimsuit. It was night. But the house was always full of people. I fell asleep with my light on. The next thing I remember is being soaked, sitting on my parents bed, crying, with a robe wrapped around me, my mom on one side, my sister Brenda on the other, both of them telling me it’s okay, and that I just peed the bed, but I knew even then that something else happened; I’ve always believed that I was either raped or molested. When I brought this memory up to my dad, he said he remembers that day like it was yesterday. He told me that Dick (Brenda’s deceased husband), had all the boys take down their pants so he could check them. My mom also remembered that day as if it were yesterday and said she probably wrote several pages about it in her journal. The problem is I don’t know exactly what day it was, so she hasn’t found it to let me read about it yet. All I know is that this experience explains why I began having a problem with masturbation at the early age of 10 and have dealt with it all my life, not even knowing what it was called until I was 18. When I was told by the LDS church that it was a sin, I began the long, redundant process of repenting for my behavior. February 13th 2008 (Wednesday) 7:30 am: It’s about time for a new journal! I have so much I should have written about during the last couple of weeks. There have been birthday gatherings, dentist appointments, doctor appointments, temple nights, snowy days, babysitting, dermatologists, endocrinologists, hair loss, weight gain, replacement of my Mirena (birth control), but yesterday I found out I have excessively high levels of DHEA so I’m probably infertile anyway. I was so angry last night, I couldn’t sleep, but I have a renewed vision today. I’ve been up cleaning, now it’s time to wake up the kids. I realized that if I have excessive adrenalin, then I should use it for good by taking care of the house and by going to the temple more often. So I’m going to make lunches and then take Brooke to school and head to get some things done. I’ll make cabbage soup tomorrow and start day 1 on Friday. I should consult my day planner though. February 18th 2008 (Monday) 9:50 pm: HAPPY BIRTHDAY REGINA & PRESIDENT’S DAY! It’s been an eventful week. And it was a great day! I’m on Day 4 of Cabbage Soup and down a concrete 6 lbs. We had our family party here yesterday and I cooked like crazy and so I had to at least try a little bit of everything. But I’ll jump back on the bandwagon tomorrow. For FHE (Family Home Evening) tonight, we took Brooke to Build-a-Bear because Chena and Tim gave her a gift card. So Gabby was born. Earlier today, I took the kids all over the place; We visited Grandma Evelyn and then went to Costco to talk to dad about a vacation! I got permission to buy a package through Getaway Today so we can go to Disneyland next month. We’re getting 6 nights and 5 day park hoppers with 2 early entries for $1200.00 Wahoo!!! I’m so excited! February 20, 2008 (Wednesday) 6:15 am: Happy B-day Del, Bren, and Joey! Yesterday I worked on PTA stuff, trying to make plans, recruit volunteers for the Board, and organize information. I want to be the best PTA President, but I don’t think I can do it without a Yahoo group. I need to run the PTA the same way I did Mr. Plott’s class. I just feel like I don’t really know and understand everything that goes on at the school. I feel like Donna knows so much and I haven’t learned enough throughout the year. I woke up early this morning with ideas and thoughts running through my head, but before I start on the PTA stuff, I need to write down the story that was in my head all day yesterday making me cry so hard as it brought back thoughts of Memphis. Some people still may not understand why I do the things I do, they may suspect ulterior motives in gathering people together in an e-mail group and offering to serve so many people. In fact at church, they continuously tell us to be member missionaries, find opportunities for service, and be a fantastic visiting teacher. Well let me tell you about a visiting teacher in Memphis. When I was all alone living in the middle of the murder capital of the world, with a husband who left at 7:am to go to school and who would go straight to work in the evening until after 9:00, and at the time, I had 2 children, a busy toddler (almost 4) and an infant just a year old, and having no family around, being 2000 miles away from all my friends, and struggling to get the excess weight off, I found myself very lonesome, depressed, and often ill. At one point when I thought I couldn’t go on, I got up the courage to solicit help from my visiting teacher, who in turn called someone who lived a little closer to me. Our ward encompassed about 20 square miles and the nearest LDS neighbor was at least a mile away. That’s what they call living in the mission field. Well, within 10 minutes of making the call, I had a lady at my door named Vanessa who proceeded to come inside and lecture me. “Sylvina, you need to stop bothering people; this is the Holidays, everyone is busy, they want to be with their families and I think you need to go see a doctor or something; there is something wrong with you.” Yes, there was something wrong with me; I had no support system, and I was lonely. I just needed a friend, but there was no one, so when the call came from my dad asking me to come home and help with the business and take care of my childhood home since nobody was living there, it was easy to say yes. My relationship with Shawn was almost non-existent anyway; I was more of a dramatic burden to him than anything. But it made sense to load up and leave so that the house in Memphis would stay clean and uncluttered, and easier to sell. Shawn and I always had hope for the future, but going through 6 years of struggling with school and kids and extra weight can take such a toll on you. I was so happy in Utah living by myself (and the kids), but running the business kept me busy, and cleaning the house and having family parties was so exciting, however when I would speak to Shawn on the phone, there was nothing to talk about. He wasn’t interested in me and I was told to find a friend. I looked in the ward, but everyone is so busy; a friend showed up in perfect timing, but this friend was another man- we would chat online through the night (being on the computer felt like being in my own little world) – eventually this led to serious transgression and the potential destruction of our family unit. After the pain and trials, then all of a sudden I had a support system. The friends I needed before were suddenly everywhere to help me. After getting through the pain and trial of repentance, our family was re-united, Shawn was done with school, and we were able to move on. When we had the chance to move to Daybreak, we knew the Lord had blessed us so much, and had a purpose here for us. I have felt that my purpose is to make sure that people are not feeling alone, and that they realize they do have people who are willing to help and serve and support them through trials. We don’t have to let each other get to the breaking point. The computer is such a great tool, but it can also be harmful. I felt that if sisters could visit with each other online, they would come to realize that the internet is reality, not some other world where they become a different person, but to use the computer as an organizational tool rather than a dangerous pastime. I don’t know if I’ve helped anyone; but I know it’s helped me to stay busy, to know where help is needed, and to overcome depression and bad habits. I’m not trying to mimic or compete with anyone; I’m just trying to live the Gospel by taking advantage of the tools that are there for us that make serving a little easier to find and manage our time a little more wisely. February 27, 2008 (Wednesday) midnight: I cannot sleep. It’s been an eventful and emotional day. For the most part it was good, especially when I finally heard from the Nurse at the OB/GYN that there was nothing wrong on my ultrasound. I was so worried. But I made a fool of myself on the e-mail group; yet there are so many people who rely on me for help, it does make me feel good and needed! I have a major hunger headache right now. I spent so much time today getting Mary Kay stuff together and doing the MK show for the Young Women in Herriman that I basically didn’t eat. In the middle of the day, Brandon and I drove films to Park City and got a Jamba Juice when we got done, but then I was babysitting and trying to get ready and waiting for the nurse to call, and trying to find people to fill PTA positions, I just would break down and cry every so often. It was really strange. It is so nice to have this day over with. I just wish I could sleep. There’s just so many things I want to be doing. I want to write a letter to Dawna (Shawn’s sister). I’ve been thinking so much about her lately. I wish we could be friends. I need to plan a time to take Shawn’s Grandma to get her toenails done again. And I need to talk to her a lot more about her history. I better turn off my lamp before Shawn gets angry at me in his sleep! I tried getting close to him but he turned his back on me. I know some lovin’ would help me! March 2, 2008 (Sunday) 3:45 pm: I have been sick with a cough for the last couple of days, but I did make it to Stake Conference with my family this morning; it was packed! And there’s 2 sessions. There’s over 6000 people in our stake with 35 people moving in each week. They did make the comment that in the next couple of months there would be 2 wards splitting to create the 13th and 14th wards. But after coming home disappointed- since there was no excitement, I’ve been pondering over the messages and trying to apply them to myself as an individual who is doing so much already in the effort to serve, strengthen families, and bring others to Christ, and build bridges for those who may be following in my path. After taking a little nap and now getting ready to go visit grandparents, and waiting for everyone in the house to wake up, I’ve come to the conclusion that the best thing that I could do or change is to focus on my own personal relationship with Christ, make time to do the basics for myself, which means writing in my journal daily, reading scriptures on my own and with my family daily, going to the temple on my own each week when possible, preparing a comprehensive Family Home Evening (FHE) every week, and taking better care of myself physically, including daily exercise and proper nutrition. I know Heavenly Father can help me do this! March 3, 2008 (Monday) 9:15 pm: We had our FHE to set goals that coincide with the Daybreak Stake goals. I think it turned out pretty good. I hope that we are able to stick to them. They include waking up and reading scriptures as a family at 7:30 am, family prayer, schoolwork, eat right and exercise, writing in journal, individual reading and prayer and going to bed by 9:30 pm. So far we may actually make it tonight. I am still sick and I’m pretty amazed at all the things I accomplished today. Brooke threw up at school today, but she sure wasn’t acting sick after she got home. I took dinner to the Cannon’s at 6:30, then we got to eat our chicken and stovetop when dad got home! It’s been a pretty good night. I’m excited to get up early to go work out! March 4, 2008 (Tuesday) 6:15 pm: It’s been a really long day. I am still sick, but Brandon is no longer in the 3 year old preschool class. So he gets to stay home with me on Tuesday and Thursday. We did really good with our goals today. I woke up at 3:45 am and headed to the gym. It was a pretty good workout even though I was pretty sick. I had to do it because I’m in such a bad exercise cycle. I need to change it. I tried getting a Jamba Juice on my way home at 6:15, but they still weren’t open. So I came home and had some toast and yogurt. I woke up the kids after I showered and plucked my eyebrows. Shawn was at the Daybreak Community Center (DCC). At 7:30, we all read scriptures together starting in Mormon Chapter 1. The kids got ready. Brooke rode her bike to school and I went tanning. I got home by 9:00 so Shawn could go pick up Doug and take him to work. He just called to let me know they were on their way home. During the day, Brandon was so good. We watched THE LAND BEFORE TIME in bed then he played upstairs with his puzzle while I rested. I got up around 3:00, returned calls and e-mails, talked with Shawn on the phone, then Brooke got home, we ate pot pies and started cleaning. I still have some more laundry to fold, but when Shawn gets here, I get to go to Enrichment. I hope it turns our fun! The kids are writing in their journals in front of the fireplace. March 5, 2008 (Wednesday) 8:30 pm: I can’t believe I did it again. I was so tired with such a headache when my alarm went off at 4:00. I almost went back to sleep, but I convinced myself that I would have the chance to sleep later, but I was never tired enough. The exercise and steam room gave me energy for the day! Everything turned out great today except my back hurts like heck! Anyway, I need to go to bed right away, so I can get some more exercise tomorrow. It’s PTA meeting plus Star Student assembly that Brooke was nominated for! The category is Teamwork. We’ve been trying to read the scriptures as a family and this morning was so cute; we all took turns reading one verse each. It’s so amazing to have such smart kids. Brandon can read all by himself just like Brooke can! I can tell this is going to be a very testimony building experience. March 8, 2008 (Saturday) 6:30 am: Super Literacy Day and Elections are over! Now I can breathe! My set up turned out very cute and the kids were great during the whole event. I think I gave out about 100 ballots and got almost 50 back, but the voting went great. I had a prize basket with candy and games and a coupon for a free eye exam. A lady name Kjersten won. She said she’s been needing an exam, so that works out! Last night, Shawn had to bring Doug home from work, but he had a late patient, plus they had to meet my dad and drop off our truck to some mechanic, so we were planning to go to La Frontera with my parents, so I stopped by McDonald’s to pick up happy meals for the kids (Razi had his friend Austin). We had a good time, but I think I finally had my food (hot) at 8:30, but I shouldn’t really have eaten it; I wasn’t starving or anything. I’ll turn things around today. I’m having a Slim Fast right now, then I’ll eat my lunch with the kids around noon and start my 24 hour fast. Today is totally going to be a cleaning and organizing day. We need it bad. At least nobody gets mad at me for having a messy house anymore! It’s either because I’ve been sick or because we’ve been studying the scriptures as a family in the mornings. There’s a lot of peace and understanding going on, I think! March 9, 2008 (Sunday) 9:30 pm: I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just can’t make a difference in my weight. It’s so “heavy” on my mind, that sometimes I’m so depressed, I can’t function, I can’t fast, I make others miserable, and I have no self-control. No matter how spiritually-minded I try to be, it always comes back to this obsession with my weight and appearance. I just desperately want to see the girl that Shawn married. I wasn’t destined to be fat; I always had righteous desires. I don’t want to regret the life that I chose but sometimes I wish I could have gone on a mission, travelled the world, and attended BYU Hawaii, I’m just so unsatisfied with the person I am; I can’t even begin to imagine how Shawn must feel about me, marrying someone who turned into a big ugly monster. I think about all of the projects, ideas and things I need to accomplish and organize and I can never get started because I’m so focused on “if only I could get this weight off, I would have the energy to do everything.” I’m raising 2 brilliant kids and I never know what to do with the few hours I have each day to myself. So I end up doing nothing, getting as much rest as possible because I’m so tired, then when the kids are here I feel so bad that I wasted my free time and I sit and pig out with them. It’s a terrible cycle I’m in; don’t know exactly what to do. March 23, 2008 (Sunday) 7:30 pm: This Easter definitely didn’t go as planned. Once again, Evelyn took control of our lives for this Holiday. We had to get replacements for us at church at 8:00 am, because at 7:00 am we found out that Evelyn went to the hospital during the middle of the night, but the phone ringer was off so we didn’t find out until morning, thank goodness for that. I was all over West Valley today; Harman ward, Razi’s house to give him a card with $100, Evelyn’s, Walgreen’s, Lola’s, back to Dad’s to give him an e-mail that his brother Larry sent, back to Walgreen’s, Mom’s ward sacrament, Evelyn’s, Lola’s for lunch, back to Mom’s house to find out they are planning an Easter dinner, but dad said “Sylvina’s not invited” and that he’s “fired” me. Interesting. Back to pick up Shawn from Evelyn’s and back home crying the whole way. I visited with the Farrer’s, came home and Shawn was asleep so the kids and I had dinner and watched a movie about Christ, then I decided to take a bath. So one of these days I better write down all that’s been happening with my parents. Basically my dad’s been addicted to pornography and I’m helping my mom feel like she’s not crazy since dad denies everything to her. I’ve written a letter to him and an email to the family and mom wrote a letter to him. Hopefully they can work it out now. I knew I would be sacrificing my relationship with my dad for them to work things out, but it’s a good cause, and I know I’ll be blessed for it. April 12, 2008 (Saturday) 5:15: Here I am at Comfort Inn St. George. The kids are napping; I’ve been packing things up. I’ve really tried to make the most out of this trip. It was very last minute, but it was necessary and some amazing things have happened. The kids and I left yesterday while Shawn was at work. We made it down here around 7:30 pm. We settled in, then went to find Brenda’s house in the dark. It was difficult, but we found her around 9:00 pm. She was in her office and luckily I decided to peek in windows because she was the only one home and can’t hear the phone or door at her computer, so I knocked on the back door. We spent 4 hours hanging out over there. And it was so pleasant because I have seen the light about daddy and they were glad to know that I’ve found out the truth. So they let me in on even more astounding truth. Anyway, we got home to the hotel around 1:00 am and in bed by 2:00, up by 8:00 to go to breakfast by 9:00. But Brandon in his little attitude wouldn’t stay with me and ended up lost (outside looking for the car). After that, I was upset and people at the hotel are pretty snotty and rude. So, needless to say, I wasn’t very pleasant with the kids. I was yelling, but decided to go explore. We ended up at a yard sale across from a park. So I spent $4 on used toys and crossed the street to play. Brandon, once again, wouldn’t cooperate, so I was so mad in the car. I pulled into the Smith’s parking lot, wishing for the Spirit, and ended up calling mom. I interrupted her at the writing conference but talked for a while. She told me the address and I tried to find it as I was talking to her. She saw us driving and waved. So the kids were so happy to hug grandma and see Razi. I asked if Razi could come have some fun with us. He asked grandpa and he said “it’s up to grandma” so Razi came with us to the temple visitor’s center to watch the presentations, then to the hotel to eat and wait for Bren. She drove us all up to the mountain to hike around, then we came back to let everyone swim. We had an extra suit for Razi. Grandma and Grandpa showed up to the pool and visited, well Sylvan just stood around. I took care of the kids and after dad left the pool area, Mom, Bren and I were at the hot tub talking and it ended up being such a wonderful experience, Brenda apologizing, supporting and expressing love and hugging mom, mom bursting out into tears. So after everyone left around 3:00, we took a little nap, but Brenda invited us over for a BBQ. I need to practice my music for Sunday, read my scriptures, then I’ll wake up the kids and visit Katharine and head to Brenda’s… …Shawn just called to chat. He’s heading over to his Grandma’s house. She’s not doing well, ever since her fall on Easter she’s been going downhill. Hopefully one of these days, I’ll catch you up on all that has happened since the last time I wrote. Basically, dad blames me for mom wanting a divorce. He called me to tell me that. He knows how much I’ve cared about their relationship since I was little, that now he does use that to manipulate me to feel bad about myself. Now I realize why he always gives monetary gifts for holidays, because he has no love to give. April 17, 2008 (Thursday) 4:00 am: I awoke to a nightmare (although Shawn and I had a wonderful date and night celebrating our 9th anniversary of our engagement) and we didn’t even go to sleep until close to 2:00 am, just over 2 hours ago. Of course I have been eating so light lately that by body feels so healthy and full of energy that it was hard to go to sleep in the first place. I just kept having these thoughts after I woke up from my nightmare that my life was in danger and I was scared to get up or to be alone. I leaned over and cuddled with Shawn to get comfort, but I made him feel hot and he’s had to get out from under the covers so I sat up in my bed in the dark thinking I really need to write things down, but I don’t want to get up out of bed and I don’t want to turn on my lamp and bug Shawn because my alarm’s going to go off in 2 hours and this busy day is going to get started; Shawn has to get the kids ready for school today on his day off because I have an appointment for an adrenal gland test at the endocrinologist today. Anyway, as I was sitting thinking how badly all of the information in my head has to be written down, I asked Shawn if he was awake and he said “yes” so as I spoke to him about wanting to turn on the lamp to write because I feel that I need to write all of these things down, my whole body turned to goose bumps, it was that typical overwhelming feeling from the Holy Ghost that I have recognized my whole life, the minute I said that. I told Shawn “Feel my arms, my whole body is covered in goose bumps.” Then all of a sudden I started getting afraid and almost hyperventilating at the thought that my nightmare was a glimpse of something true. Shawn told me to turn on a light, so I did, then reached down and pulled my journal from the bottom of a stack of books then reached in my purse for a pen and also pulled out my patriarchal blessing which was in there from reading it the other day. So I just read through it and the words that are standing out to me that I keep reading over and over are on the 6th paragraph “I bless you that your body will be physically strong, that your mind will be keen and alert, and that you will be able to accept truth, and above all, to reject falsehood.” I’ve continuously said that in order for me to tell anyone, particularly the Bishop, all that has happened in the last month, it would take a couple hours. I actually talked on the phone with the Bishop yesterday because I feel I need an LDS counselor to guide me through all that is happening. But right now I have a couple hours till I need to get ready so I will write, but I need a better pen. Just a minute. Where do I start? I’ll start with the dawn of a new year. Once again, I needed to lose weight. I was ready to go to Boot Camp, but my dad encouraged me to go to Gold’s Gym to get a membership for both of us and a personal trainer and he would pay half. So that’s what I did. Soon we were working out every other day together (but we couldn’t tell mom about it because she never lets him do anything for himself) is what dad told me. As we would walk on the treadmill, he would talk about mainly how he needs to find himself and be allowed to be himself and mom needed to pay attention to him and be a wife. He would say “she’s not a wife, this isn’t a real marriage.” All the while, he would be watching MTV, and know the names of the sexy singers and I was surprised and he’d say “oh yeah, you’d be surprised what I listen to” and anytime there was a young thin girl walk by, he would obviously turn his head to follow her and then make a comment to me. Sometimes he’d actually make a comment to them, but I never saw anyone respond. Typically they had headphones on and wouldn’t hear him. It got pretty embarrassing when we were with our trainer, Clint, who would see my dad get distracted by a young girl and Clint knew how embarrassed I was; he began to humor my dad and talk about the cute women with him. One in particular was a lady that had a girlfriend (they both were married and mothers, Clint told us) but they went in the sauna and I told dad “if you want to talk to people you should come in the sauna with me cause that’s where all the action is.” He came in the door of the dry sauna and I went in and told him to come in, and he said it’s way too “HOT” in there, with the emphasis on hot, while looking at the girls. The girls didn’t get it, so after dad left, I had to explain it to them and we ended up having a conversation about diets and trainers and it was funny cause they were referring to my trainer as Craig, so I had to tell them I’m pretty sure it’s Clint; they were embarrassed cause all this time, they didn’t know his real name. Afterward, dad and I talked on the phone and he anxiously asked “Did they say anything about me?” all excitedly. Ooooh or Eeeew, gross. What are you thinking dad? How do you respond to that? Our phone conversations would go on and on, mostly about how mom is treating him wrong. I would try to get a word in every so often, but he always referred to our talks as therapy sessions. He would say “that’s enough therapy for today” and I thought it was therapy for him, but I’m pretty sure now that he felt like it was him giving me some kind of therapy; i.e. brainwashing. Eventually, I got so sick of the time spent with him at the gym that I was complaining to Shawn about it and I was happy to find out from the dermatologist that my DHEA levels were high and that the more I diet and work out, the heavier I’m going to get, so I stopped the personal training and stopped meeting my dad, but I knew things were not good between them at family functions, and I was his special little confidant, however, I did get to a point where I couldn’t function and I was ready to withdraw from society; I was telling Shawn that my heart is in St. George. I would tell my dad on the phone “I’m ready to look for property in St. George” because he’s always putting it in my mind that we all need to go in on some property. On this particular phone call, he told me that I needed to go see THE BUCKET LIST. “It’s the best movie ever” he acted like because of this movie he’s decided to do something for HIMself, “for example, I got a subscription to Playboy” is what he said to me. This must have been in the first week of February because it was shortly after that, I went to my OB on Feb 11th and had my mirena inserted again after 5 months without it and a miscarriage. Shawn and I came to a realization that perhaps the Mirena balanced out the hormones before since I was able to lose weight when I had it in before. So things started looking better and I got energy again and I felt happy enough to even go to the Sweetheart’s Ball and everyone said I looked like the queen of the ball with my wedding tiara. It was an amazing night. At this point, I had my dad’s secret and did not even tell Shawn about it. Within a week or two we were visiting mom one Sunday night at her office and as we were getting ready to leave, and the kids and Shawn walked out the door, she shut the door before I left so she could talk to me privately about how scared she is of daddy; I could feel her reaching out to me and my response was… “I still feel that if you want to fix things, you have to go to the temple.” You see, this happened a few years ago on Valentine’s and they were talking about divorce and I wrote them a letter saying, please don’t make any rash decisions without going to the temple. I had known that my dad was “working on some spiritual things and requested that my mom wait for him before she gets hers.” So when I said that to my mom, she told me “I did it. I got my recommend. But please don’t tell Sylvan. He will condemn me again.” I hugged her and I was so happy for her and we cried. So the next major thing that happened was my dad needed to borrow the truck for a trip to Eureka, so he needed to have his mechanic look at it. I’d have to check phone records for exact dates, but I think that March 7th, a Friday night, Shawn had to bring Doug home, but they had to drop off the truck in West Jordan, so dad picked them up, along with Mom and Razi. So I set it up so we could go to La Frontera and meet there but I stopped by to get kids meals and they dropped off Doug and met us there. The tension was high, but we got through the night. At that point I knew secrets about both of them and felt like I was going crazy, so we were able to pick up the truck that night, but Shawn would have to take it back in on Monday morning. We thought it would be done Thursday because we had conflicts on Friday morning, so Thursday night I was calling dad to ask about the truck and they had just got out of Desert Star and he said he would check and call me back. A long while later, he called me back and said he wasn’t sure if it would be ready or not and I said “well either way, it would probably work out if you could come out and pick up Shawn and Brandon to get them where they need to be, but I think he actually offered to help first because I just wanted to make arrangements for the morning, but he wouldn’t have it, he said he didn’t know the details and he said angrily “SYLVINA, I’ve just had a problem; I’ll call you in the morning.” The way he talked to me was soooo disrespectful and uncalled for, I started swearing in front of Shawn “What the F… was that all about?” I was so angry; I fell to my knees and prayed that I would understand what I need to do to be happy. So the next morning at 7:30, I felt the need to call my mom to find out what happened to dad last night that was such a problem. After we figured out he called after dropping her off, she told me what had happened. They had been flirting and having a great time at Desert Star, so on the way home, he was going to take Razi’s friend home on Harman Drive, then take mom home, then go home back to Harman, but when they were dropping off the friend, Mom offered to stay at the Harman Drive house if there was a bed for her and he rejected her. She told me that he’s rejected her the last 12 times she’s offered herself to him; at that moment, I felt impressed to tell her “mom you need to know that dad is addicted to pornography.” It came as a shock to her and I explained the gym and him telling me about his subscription, and she first responded with “well then I’m filing for divorce” and for the first time ever, I was supportive of that idea. But believe me, I would never have divulged this information if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew mom had got her temple recommend. It’s almost 6:00 and I have soooo much more to write, but I have been through some hard, crazy, and amazing spiritual experiences that have led up to this moment. The nightmare I had was I was in a house with my kids and my dad and someone else was there in another room; I was planning to leave my kids there while I ran out to do something, but something came to my attention, something about another house and I picture someone I thought was Penina and I suddenly told my kids to run to the car because I realized that they weren’t safe and as soon as they were out, my dad came in and overpowered me. He had a box in his hands and he was pushing it on my chest and leaning against me and I felt that I had no power and I woke up. …However, mom just called because she had gone out to go to the temple and was lost so I directed her and she said that last night, Sylvan called her and said that there was an email saying Brenda’s claim and that he didn’t do it and she needed to pray about it. So she said she got her confirmations that he didn’t do it. Then this morning she prayed for a song to inspire her and the song was “Love Him Like Jesus” and she realized that she loves him but not like a husband anymore. Well, I have to leave in an hour so I better get ready. I have my adrenal gland test at the endocrinologist. …7:40 am: I am sitting here in the parking lot in my car at the Diabetic Center where my endo works. I need to go in, but I have to tell you that I prayed in the living room aloud before I left so that I could understand what’s happening and have faith and courage and knowledge so when I started driving, I tuned to AM 820 instead of my CD. The song was soft and nice and talking about receiving wisdom in dreams etc., “I don’t need the strength of Sampson or a chariot in the end…” and I was thinking it was going to say something about being my friend, but it said “I just need to know you remember how many hairs are on my head” which made me break out sobbing uncontrollably. That was the end of the song and the next was an instrumental of “God be with you till we Meet Again” and I had a sense that something was going to happen to me. All morning I’ve felt that my life was in danger, so I felt even more of an urgency to write things down. I was driving with my pen in hand. And I called Shawn to tell him of my experience, crying uncontrollably and that I love him. Next I felt I needed to call Brenda and ended up leaving a message. So I turned the radio off to calm myself and prayed aloud that I was at peace with dying and then after 10 minutes of that I decided to turn the radio back on and it said “Can you hear the voice of the children? the shadows of a dark room, empty eyes with no more tears to cry…and if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take” and I lost it again. I called Shawn again to tell him what was happening and that I don’t want to die and I would never kill myself, but he told me to turn off the radio and relax in the car when I got here. So here I am. I have so much information, so much that I believe I am supposed to accomplish to make a better life for others, but I’ve often throughout my life, thought that it would take a tragedy, or a death to bring my family together. I know this sounds suicidal, but I am so happy with my life in Daybreak and especially my life without being under the influence of my dad. I know he may not be to blame for his mentality, but still he needs to be tested for bipolar disorder and I wouldn’t be surprised if I need to be tested. I will ask the doctor about it in a minute. But, this family has had so much damage done to it; that it’s undeniable. When I was able to break free from dad’s grasp and I could see it, I started loving my kids more, letting them know how beautiful they are, I was kinder, sweeter, and more consistent, I stopped eating uncontrollably, I’ve lost 10 lbs in 3 days. My marriage is happier, but I’m also more emotional and more sensitive to the Spirit. I’ll be back in a few minutes to finish…7:57 …8:04 am: I’m actually in the waiting room. I decided to bring my journal with me. I need to call LDS services to make an appointment. During the week of Easter, Dad and I argued during most of our conversations because I was trying to share my testimony as he was downplaying it. I met with my Bishop to tell him my predicament. He recommended for me to write my feelings in a letter to my dad and he said that the Book I was recommending sounded good. But he also said that the scriptures say that if parents don’t teach their children right, the sins will be upon the heads of the parents but nowhere in the scriptures does it say that the sins of the parents will be upon the heads of the children. …8:55 am: I just finished having the injection and blood taken. But first I was asking Dr. Sohrevardi about Bipolar. She said it requires clinical diagnosis and she started asking me questions and I told her everything in tears. She was hugging me and telling me that I’m one of the most beautiful women she knows. And she told me that she would refer me to a specialist that can help deal with these issues. So I don’t know why all these things are happening; I know I just have to trust the Lord. So I wrote the letter, and had Shawn buy 2 books HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS…(the book that helped us so much last year.) I gave a copy to dad, but not with the letter. I gave a copy to mom and let her read the letter I wrote to dad. I think that was before the day I was helping with films and Dad needed me to pick up a movie from the District at midnight- so I loaded up my car with my easter baskets, wrapping, etc., picked up the movie- but I had to walk through the theater from the back loading area up the elevator, through the halls, and wait for awhile. I headed out to West Valley to take the movie to him and he invited me in the house. That must have been a Thursday because it was that day that he gave me $100 check to take Razi with us for the day (Shawn’s day off), we went to see HORTON HEARS A WHO (So Shawn could see it) and to Hollywood Connection to miniature golf. When we had brought him back around 6:00, Dad was out in the theater, all full of energy and told us he had been shopping downtown; I asked if he got to have a nap (cause he’s always sleeping or tired when I see him) and he said “Yes, in fact, I had a GREAT nap” but mom hadn’t seen him all day except for the 20 minutes he was there sitting in silence with her having lunch. Anyway that night around midnight when I was in talking to my dad, sitting in the living room with the bright kitchen light on, he started out by saying “the problem with the therapists is that the books they write are for normal people; both Dorothy and I have problems from before we were married that need to be fixed. It’s like trying to run a marathon with one leg.” …9:41 am: I’m back to my car, Shawn is going to Costco, actually I should meet him there before he goes to his Grandma’s. …9:56 am: I’m parked at Midas. I just moved over to the passenger seat so I can write and Shawn can drive after he leaves his truck to get worked on. …10:25 am: We are at Grandma Evelyn’s. Shawn is meeting with someone from the bank, putting Shawn on the account. So my dad is talking about how he’s growing this new leg and I’m bringing up Gospel oriented responses and he just keeps arguing and asks me what my childhood problems are. I said “my sisters never believed a word I say and I used to write in my journal every day that I’m so ugly and worthless” and he said “You HAVE to FIX that.” I ended up talking to him about what Kate’s advice to me was, I said “Be careful who you refer to Kate because you know what her advice to me was? She said I need to stop working for you because it’s ruining my life,”…I went on… “For example, I’m delivering movies in the middle of the night instead of sleeping with my husband.” His response was “Well, it will never happen again.” We were standing up, he was giving the book back and we were in each other’s faces. I said “you are acting like a teenager” and I told him this situation reminded me of Penina when she was caught sneaking out and I got in trouble for not telling anyone about it. He was so mad that I compared him to someone even when he called me “Dorothy” earlier that day when he offered something and I said I didn’t want anything of his, or I said you can have the truck back, you can have all your stuff back. I guess he was getting ready to take the truck on a trip so we had dropped it off to him Thursday morning so I told him he could just keep it later on when we brought Razi back. …2:35 pm: Well I’m home now, trying to rest from no sleep (but 2 horrific hours of nightmares) and no food. I think I have a hunger headache. Still, I need to tell you how I got through today (thus far). Shawn, Brandon, and I stopped at mom’s to see how she was doing. She let us listen to his voicemail about how everything in the emails were false and that she needed to pray. Everyone that’s sane views that response as typical for a person who has transgressed or who is mentally ill. I was pretty out of it because of what I went through this morning and felt like mom didn’t want to judge, just wanted to forgive. And I keep telling her, but he’s not to blame, it’s just an illness. And she keeps telling me we just have to let it go; then as we left, Shawn had to go pick up the truck from Midas, but I saw that there was an email from Sylvan “to the family” basically accusing me of slander and trying to force him back into the church. I really see no hope for him in the church. I just want Brenda to be able to heal, as well as mom. In the email, he told me I had to stop, then he said I needed to issue an apology email immediately, but that he would be willing to talk to me if Shawn’s there. And so I told Shawn we need to talk to him, but Shawn said he would call him. So I called LDS Services and set up an appointment for tonight at 9:00, but on my way home I decided to call a friend named Nikki because I wasn’t going to make it to the candy factory tour, but she was so concerned and told me to come talk to her. So I went over and low and behold as I told her my story, it’s exactly what her dad went through, all the tendencies were the same, it took a decade of her dad being on medication for Bipolar disorder, but now he’s okay and off the medicine and her parents are back together and they’ve broken the cycle of 10 generations of mental abuse. So she definitely gave me hope and really helped me to understand my dream and told me that feeling the sense of dying could mean just that I have to give up or accept the fact that I won’t have a relationship with my dad or with my sisters who don’t believe me. And I do now recognize that and Brenda called me while I was there to let me know she got my message and was worried that I wasn’t ready for dreams and that I didn’t know how to interpret them and that I would break down under the pressure. Which I then recognized that I did slightly while I was at my mom’s house. So after I got home and hugged Shawn and made sure that he didn’t call dad (since I’ve been told not even to respond to it, because it’s just a trap), and I just got an email from Debi about Enrichment tonight and I realized why I am so involved in communication, because in my family we weren’t allowed to communicate with each other and when we tried, it always ended in anger and dad never tried to make anything better and that should be his responsibility. Anyway I called my mom to apologize for cracking under the intense pressure today, but she told me that after I left she prayed for me to be comforted and I told her I was by a neighbor (the one that brought me cookies on Sunday appreciating my testimony). And I told her about their family and I told mom we don’t need to respond to dad because we have the truth and it will set us free, we don’t have to argue or fear! But I realized dad didn’t send his email to mom so I forwarded it to her. Anyway, I better walk down to the school and see if there are any more surveys to pick up and then I can walk Brooke home. I’ll be back…3:08 April 18, 2008 (Friday) 6:00 am: Shawn just left for basketball. I had such a wonderful night. I hope I can remember all the amazing details! My walk to the school was inspired. I picked up some more surveys that had been returned and I went in to find Principal Strauss to ask her a few questions, but before I could even say anything as I went in her office, she was telling me “what complements you’ve been getting” and proceeded to tell me about their team leader meeting that morning and about how excited they all are! And what a wonderful commotion my survey has caused. It was my needs assessment and it’s a coloring contest for kids and I’ve received hundreds back already! So I went to Brooke’s classroom; Kjersten was subbing and said Brooke hasn’t been feeling well, so we left together about 2 minutes before the bell. We walked home together and had a little talk. The way I talk to her and the things I say are so different now because a few days ago when I recognized how to remove the mentality that dad gave me, I made a conscious effort to make sure to tell Brooke how beautiful she is (and never make a negative comment to her); when the kids spilled something, I would just say “that’s okay, let me help you clean it up,” what a beautiful, peaceful night it was in our home. Before bedtime, Brooke, sitting on my bed, watching me go to and fro, said “Mom” and I stopped and acknowledged her and said “what?” She said “I LOVE YOU” and then she asked me to tuck her in, which Shawn always does, typically my kids don’t care if I go up and say goodnight to them. So on our walk home, I started talking to her about beauty. And I asked her “Did you know that beauty is on the inside?” And she didn’t respond, I said “Has anyone ever taught you that before?” And she shook her head “no” so I spoke to her about how our spirits are the most important thing and it doesn’t matter what our bodies look like and I told her how beautiful she is. Then we talked about how I had a bad night and she knew I had been screaming in the night, so I told her my nightmare and she said “is that why you’ve been crying so much?” When we got home, dad and Brandon woke up and they all went out to play at a park, have some dinner, and fly a kite, so I could sleep. I printed out a few emails and corresponded with Katharine who had sent me a nice one. Then I laid down around 4:30. The family arrived home around 6:45, so Shawn could go to his meeting at the stake center for Sunday School teachers. I continued to rest while the kids played “Wheel of Fortune” on the computer together. It was so fun to listen to them figuring out puzzles and laughing together. I gave them some apples and cheese for a snack and got ready for my appointment. Shawn arrived at 8:10 and got a call from his mom and sister Jenilyn (who is now going through a divorce). She was telling Shawn all about Girl Scouts. I left at 8:15 for my appointment in Sandy. After driving a few minutes, I turned on the radio and the song was something about “Sing Praise to Jesus” – I thought that was perfect because I had just been planning hymns for this week’s lesson on baptism and I got stopped on “God moves in a Mysterious Way” those words had been so perfect for me, and so comforting. So I thought: the next song that comes on, I will try to sing, I hope I know it and the next song was “For Good” from my One Clear Voice CD. The song they had sung at my PTA Pre-training meeting that touched me so much. I had the whole board in tears because I couldn’t even breathe, I was crying so bad. I had to call Brenda because when I had told her about the song at PTA, she told me she loves that song. So we talked about a lot of things, about how mom read the book she recommended “Believe in Christ” and had recognized that if she holds on to guilt after repenting then she doesn’t truly take advantage of the atonement. Brenda knew that book would make mom stronger. So I had my meeting at LDS Family Services, rather my counseling session. I only had 50 minutes, so I talked as fast as I could; she asked me some questions, I had her read dad’s email from the day and we talked some more and she asked what I wanted to happen. And I said I would like her to facilitate a meeting for me, Shawn, Mom, Dad, and Bishop. So we looked at May 1st as the first opening and Shawn’s going to set it up. I did call the Bishop at 10:15 to ask him if he was available, but I do need to get with him before then so he’s apprised of what has happened since I last spoke with him. He was willing to let the Stake President know that he would not be at the PPI (which is typically the first Thursday) and he would schedule it for a later time. Then at home, Shawn was telling me about his meeting and how only 2 of the modern prophets were ever Bishops, including Monson. That’s why he tells so many stories because Bishops are the ones ministering to the people, not letting their calling and meetings get in the way of serving, which Bishop Bone had exemplified. After calling the Bishop as I drove home, I decided to dare to turn on the radio again. It was “All Creatures of Our God and King” I was crying so hard. The next song was “I’ll Build you a Rainbow” the special song mom and I had since I was 4 years old. I remember crying together with her listening to that song. The next song as I drove into Daybreak was about the temple, the one that starts “Heaven’s light flows through the windows, warming even walls of stone, in God’s house and in his presence, I find strength beyond my own.” So I realized I needed to go to the temple Friday morning. I emailed mom to let her know I was going to try to make the 10:00 am session. Now it’s 6:45 am and I have to hurry and get ready then wake up the kids and get then some show and tells. …4:25 pm: The kids are resting in their rooms. I’ve had an amazing day. I’m so tired but I know I need to write. This morning I got ready for the temple. Shawn took Brandon to school, and I headed to the temple, I have never been to the temple before without the mentality of being worried about how I look physically. It was amazing. I had brought my own clothes this time since I’ve lost 15 lbs in 5 days, I thought I would be able to fit into it! I did have to get some help zipping it up. I picked up a name and it had their mother and father’s names too. The mother’s name was Emma Dorothy. The sister who gave me a new name was Evelyn Scott (which made me cry because I was thinking about the talk by Richard G. Scott and it also made me think of Evelyn Beagley). I told her that her name meant something to me. I wrote names on the prayer roll: Brenda, Lisa, Catrina, Regina, Penina, Delcina, Evelyn, Sylvan, and Dorothy and headed up to the chapel. It was full. I was afraid I wouldn’t make the 10:00 session. I asked the matron if I could sit on the front row (there was an empty spot). Almost immediately after I sat down, I was asked to be a witness with the man whom I sat next to, brother Schwindler. During the presentation, when I was kneeling at the altar and they were speaking about the law of sacrifice as they said the part about “giving up their own lives if necessary” I mouthed those words along with them and I realized that I was a witness because I had passed the test placed upon me yesterday to see if I was willing to die for the cause of truth! As I was at the veil, repeating the last part, I cried as I thought about my posterity and all generations of time. When I walked into the celestial room, I picked up a book (the triple combo). As I sat down, and slowly opened the book and began reading page 117 of the Doctrine and Covenants, starting in Section 63 verse 34 to the end, then I went to the beginning of that chapter and read all the way through, receiving answers to every question concerning my situation… …I have just dissected and filled in the margins of these verses (66 verses) and replaced the words with current ones. I have had so many other experiences today confirming that I am on the verge of finding out who I am and what role I play in this great plan of happiness! April 19, 2008 (Saturday) 8:20 am: Last night mom came over and we talked for a while, then headed to Jordan Landing to watch the Emma Smith Story. It was interesting to watch, knowing that every sign has been given to me throughout my life letting me know that I am also an Elect Lady, just as Emma. This morning I have been reading D&C 45 (interesting that my dad was born in 1945) and yesterday the section in D&C was given on Aug. 27 (my dad’s birthday) and it’s section 63 (that’s how old he’ll be when it’s his birthday this year) and Emma Smith was 63 in the movie yesterday. Also in Section 45, there are 75 verses (7/5 is my birthday). It says that those who have faith shall see signs, but as I read it also says that I am not to tell people the things and signs I am seeing. Then there’s the current Ensign. I opened it up yesterday and flipped open to the story called “My Journal; My Testimony.” After reading and knowing how important it is for me to be writing everything (and it’s no coincidence that I put my journals in a safe this year), then I flipped back to a page of a girl looking in the mirror showing the generations – I used to do that when I was 14 too! And I was just doing that yesterday before I even opened the Ensign. The article talked about “Remembering Who You Are;” Then I flipped forward to the next article entitled “Your Divine Heritage” telling me and insisting that you need to know what your role is in this great work, my purpose in God’s plan. …9:10 am: Shawn is just heading to work. We had a discussion about the truck. I believe we will give it back to dad tonight. …9:45 am: Yesterday on my way home from the temple I had called mom to have her read D&C 63. After we had hung up, I headed down the hill passing the temple on 4000 W. and there were blazes of fire, with smoke blowing toward the temple. That was a sign to me, even though it must have been controlled burning. I called mom to tell her about it and she said “did you notice the date this revelation was given?” I hadn’t noticed, and I said and this year he’ll be 63; she hadn’t realized that. Then she told me about something that happened down in New Harmony when they were looking for real estate. They met a realtor at a house on harmony Blvd and as they walked up to the door there was a package on the porch or doorstep and the realtor was like “who the heck is this?” It was addressed to Sylvan Mallis. Dad said “it’s a sign that we should buy the house” and mom said “it’s a sign that you’re malice.” It’s just crazy that a few weeks ago, mom was telling me about dad claiming to be the anti-christ and then telling me about him buying a wedding dress from DI and having it cleaned and preserved and boxed. She had found it in a closet at Harman Drive a few years ago and confronted him. It had cost him $375 to clean and preserve but he wouldn’t let her look at it or try it on, even though he said it was for her. What woman wouldn’t want to buy her own wedding dress? My friend Lynette, told me that all of these “magical thinking” things are signs of schizophrenia and she asked me a lot of questions about Sylvan’s tendencies and she suggested that it was probably bipolar disorder. Well, it’s 10:00, I better get ready for my day and clean my house. Shawn invited me to go to the temple with him tonight! …1:30 pm: Sister Thatcher just showed up at my door to bring me an invitation to a southern living interior design party. But she also wanted to talk to me about the PTA and programs that deal with music and visual arts. She was talking about how involved she was and that her Bishop even released her from church callings so that she could work in PTA. She said she received stronger inspiration in PTA than in any other church calling. She told me “it is a calling” because the “Lord truly cares about what’s going on in these children’s minds.” I was able to put the connection of my music calling with that of PTA because just as the Lord knew Emma Smith would need music to get her through her trials, so too does He know that I needed this music calling to get me through mine. But before she left she said “I love your hair like this by the way, it’s darling, you are beautiful.” …11:37 pm: What a wonderful night! I took the kids with me down to Costco to get the truck title filled out and copied so we could leave the truck at Dad’s house, however, one little thing happened that we discovered; Shawn forgot the garage door opener (which was my main concern). We had taken a key to mom tonight. Actually Shawn took the kids to Lola’s while I took the key to mom. On my way, when I turned on the radio, the song “Where Is Heaven?” was playing. Of course I was thinking about ReNee’s funeral. Then I suddenly realized that I was 7 when ReNee died. I know she is with me! Just as Rudgel died on Mother’s day when my mom was 7. He’s protecting her! And with all the horrible things that happened to Brenda when she was 7 and the one thing she remembered Papa Crofts saying to her was “Don’t worry! I’ll protect you” and the next year, he died. Some other interesting observations are that mom told me that they donated $5000 to help build the Jordan River Temple in December of 1978, 5 months after I was born. It was also in 1978 that mom started writing in her journal. Tonight when we left the kids at Lola’s with Jenilyn and her kids, I gave Jenilyn a hug and told her I loved her and when we were back to pick them up, Jenilyn had given Brandon a sweater of Boston’s that had the number 78. April 20, 2008 (Sunday) 2:00 am: Let me just tell you about the temple. I’m getting sleepy. I just want to read the scriptures all night; they have become so alive to me. At the temple, I knew we would be the witnesses. It was such a great experience. I felt so strong. More and more things stood out to me. Then during the prayer circle, Brother Schoell prayed for the children, the missionaries, armed forces, and especially the missionaries. Then he prayed for the names on the altar. I couldn’t help but think that the names I wrote yesterday were in that box. He prayed for those in this session (8:00) room 5 (same as yesterday). It was just wonderful. In the celestial room, I picked up the same book I read yesterday and sat on the sofa with Shawn. I opened to the back on Fear of God. I read the list of references and went to Mosiah 29:30 (because I’m 29, almost 30), it gave me answers concerning what will happen when we meet on May 1st but in the end of the chapter, the sign came to me that he reigned for 33 years (my all time favorite number) and died when he was 63, that means it all started when he was 30. Emma also died at age 63 in the movie last night. My parents will be 63 this year. I just wish I could read all night. I hardly even eat anymore. I’m reading the book “Believing Christ” and I just borrowed a book from Lola “The Touch of the Master’s Hand” and I know I need to finish reading the Ensign. All those amazing articles just for me, the Tornado one is next. The wind blew our car as we headed out of Daybreak today. I know someone was trying to keep me from the temple with all his might. …8:55 am: I did leave something out last night. In the Celestial room, the officiator came up to me and Shawn and told us that we had such a great spirit. He said “I’m not usually allowed to look into people’s eyes, but you are very special; some of the words in that prayer were for you” and I said “I know, I recognized them!” Then when we got home, there was a message from Brother Stevenson asking me to meet at 8:30 am at the church. I thought it was in response to my call to him the other day to schedule an appointment with the Bishop, but it was something different, I was asked to be in the nursery. …9:20 am: The sacrament is almost over. They sustained me during ward business but they forgot to release me. There are so many signs during this meeting! Sister Elmer will be singing “Jesus was no Ordinary Man” and I’ve been thinking about that song for a while now. I was actually singing it in the car on the way to church. After receiving my calling from Brother Prestwich, I met with the Bishop to repent. He gave me a beautiful blessing. Just now, Sister Elmer sang that beautiful song. Now Brother Nuyes is going to play hymn #136 so we can ponder the words. …2:08 pm: Shawn is just getting home from hometeaching. What a wonderful day at church. Let me quickly write about it before we head out to West Valley. The Sunday school lesson was amazing. Shawn had all the words of inspiration! His testimony was incredible! Debi, Diane, and Jen were all so sad about my calling change. Debi and Dawn were fighting over me in the hall. Debi said the Bishop told her about my new calling and she asked “Are you asking me or telling me?” Anyway, everyone was so sad and hugging me today. But I had amazing hymns and my practice song was playing #10 of One Clear Voice “Forgiveness’ Embrace,” my testimony included the scripture from Shawn’s lesson Jacob 2:3 and I bore witness that we need to teach our children and break the cycle of mental abuse that is plaguing us. …3:30 pm: I’m here with mom. She’s telling me about her special sacrament meeting. Dad had showed up and they had decided to do things differently by singing songs all through Sacrament. April 27, 2008 (Sunday) 6:10 pm: I know there has been so much happen since I last wrote. There’s been spiritual enlightening, there’s been tons of service, there’s been more emails, and now mom’s upset at me too. But I met with the Bishop today and he advised me to prayerfully decide (with Shawn) what’s best for me and how to communicate with my dad that I’m at peace and I’m not angry with him. So tonight was so fun. With my new calling in nursery, I was invited to the neighborhood block party Navajo Taco buffet (outdoors). There was probably 100 people there! Shawn’s mom came too! Along with Lynn Marie, Josh, Gunnar, Wyatt, and Dylan. They are really nice! I just think Lynn might be a little stressed out. It seems like she doesn’t like me but I’m trying to keep things nice and comfortable for them, but I don’t really know. I’m doing my best though. I definitely wouldn’t be able to handle it if this was before all of my mental recovery. May 3, 2008 (Saturday) 9:12 am: I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. I guess my emails and day planner tell you most of what’s been going on, but it has been pretty stressful. We had Lynn Marie and her family staying with us. I had the house so clean and nice, but that didn’t last long and Lynn Marie seemed to want to be in charge. She even “requested” that the TV be off while we eat. How annoying. I came home one morning and she had burnt some toast on the oven or something. I had to turn on the fan and open the windows. She didn’t even care or apologize. And her kids just cry like crazy, especially Gunnar (who is the same age as Brandon). I’m so lucky to have such a sweet and smart little boy. At least I don’t have to feel bad anymore when Grandma Evelyn talks about how wonderful Lynn Marie is, Grandma even said to Josh on Sunday “you have the most beautiful wife in the world” and his response was “what about Shawn’s wife?” That was shocking but that complement still makes me feel good. I know I used to be that crazy when Brooke was that age so I can’t blame her, but I do see how annoying I must have been. Anyway, we went to the zoo on Tuesday. They paid for us so that was an unexpected surprise. It was fun for the most part; it’s just that seeing her with all of her food prep. along her trip made me realize how stupid I look when I do that because that’s the way I am on vacation. Don’t worry; now I can change! I gave them a Krystal Temple of the San Diego along with some pix from when we visited San Diego. Josh’s dad wanted an LDS souvenir, so that was cool. We did do some gymnastics which I’m still recovering from. I am so glad not to have to carry movies anymore. What a terrible life, I never got to learn how to be productive and to think for myself, or to understand the value of work. Everything came so easy for me and that’s not a good thing, because I was just being used. So Shawn and I went to the Temple on Thursday afternoon while the kids stayed at Sister Jones’. We need to make them a thank you card. After the temple, we headed to the therapy session. Mom and Dad didn’t show up, but it was a good session about setting boundaries and taking control of my life. It was nice to hear the therapist say “I believe you…I believe that you were abused,” and Shawn and I had a wonderful drive home. It was so good to have him there. He has offered to return some stuff to my dad and tell him that everything will be fine as long as he keeps his distance during my recovery from 30 years of mental abuse. If he has any need to communicate it goes through approval and supervision of Shawn. I finally got my PTA stuff under control yesterday and I was so tired. But I’m having even more new ideas for the PTA stuff. I still have a lot to accomplish today. I got up early and rode my bike to the DCC to apply for the Yard Sale on May 17th. I had to pay $10 but at least they still accepted it (a day late). Well, Shawn pumped up the flat tire on the Scion and headed to Hubcap Heaven to pick up a new rim and take the car to Costco to get the new tires on. We had ordered them a while ago because the Scion has been beat up with all the trips. We’re lucky we didn’t have this problem on the road far from home. May 8, 2008 (Thursday) 10:00 pm: I spent ½ the day at the hospital (basically) getting a CT Scan for my adrenal gland. When I got home I was so tired and hungry, so Shawn took the kids to the park. Before lying down, I checked my email and got one from my mom inviting me to a Mother’s Day Dinner. It confused me because she hadn’t even responded to any of my emails and all of a sudden I was invited to a dinner. So I called her to see what was going on. I thought maybe she was going to try to fix things, but no, actually dad told her to invite me, so it’s a test, since Shawn told Sylvan he needed to go through him to communicate with me. Mom and I had it out on the phone, She’s “letting go” or ignoring the whole situation. Now she’s blaming me for starting this whole thing by telling her about the “pornography” because now she’s convinced that Sylvan is no longer, or had never had a problem with it, so I was “using” her by telling her all of this stuff. Oh my gosh, what a mess. I want out. Okay, so there’s nothing I can do to fix them. They are out of my life as far as I’m concerned. She told me I’m so controlling because when Brenda came up for a visit I had everything planned out for her as far as her itinerary (which she asked me to do). That’s fine, yes I believe I have been controlling, but it’s a trait that was passed on to me through Sylvan’s mind tricks. Yesterday, Lola came to grandparents day and we were able to have a nice talk afterward. She told me about her first impressions of my dad when they first met in the late 1970’s. He made comments about what his “wife” should look like. Lola felt bad for Dorothy, that her husband’s priorities were so freakish. Anyway, she told me all about what happened with Paul and how he wanted custody of the kids. He wanted to raise them in the “Righteous Branch of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints” and move them down south. I researched it. They are in Modena, UT, west of Cedar City. They believe in plural marriage, and Adam-God theory, and have a pyramid shaped temple. They wanted to take up arms against the government. They were established on April 6th, 1978. What a year! The blacks got the priesthood, Arby’s was invented, I was born, mom wrote her scriptural poetry (which she refuses to share), she just hides her talents. Anyway, I realized that Lola saved her kids. She protected them by divorcing. Paul had stopped paying taxes, but Lola was able to get the house in her name, catch up on taxes so there wouldn’t be a lien. Anyway, Dorothy needs help, and hopefully she gets it somehow, cause I’m through trying. She called me Satan on the phone. And she said Satan has me right where he wants me. I was crying so hard; I tried calling Brenda but she wasn’t there, but Dick talked to me for a while. He was so sweet and helped me through understanding all of this and validating me. It turned out perfect. I do feel that Shawn should call Sylvan again and remind him that he asked him to communicate through him, not through Dorothy. This should never have happened although I’m glad I now know where my mom stands and I don’t have to worry about it anymore. May 11, 2008 (Sunday) 8:50 am: HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! It should be interesting to see how this day plays out. I’m sitting here in the chapel saving seats for my family. I came early to set up an opening activity in the nursery room. I’m wearing pink pants under my black dress because it’s really hard to work well in the nursery in a dress where you are always worried about stooping over or appearing immodest. Last week we were late for church and had to sit in the back. It was not very enjoyable. So even though I had turned off phones and alarms and ringers last night, I still woke up at 7:15 and made it on time to church. I left without telling my family, but Shawn was in the shower and I had woken up the kids. It’s probably going to be the worst mother’s day of my life. Shawn agrees with my parents that I’m controlling. There’s a difference between being controlling and taking initiative to make things happen. I can’t believe that nobody understands that all my intentions have ever been good. So they went out last minute last night and bought the ugliest flowers they could find. Shawn got a card and wrote that he’s happy to be on a roller coaster with me and along with a pack of gum. It would have been better for him not to waste his time and money. All I need is love and support from him and he doesn’t give it; Then he looks at me in wonderment of why I’m not happy. He says “at least you’re pretty…” Even though you’re a raving lunatic, I guess that’s what he meant to say, who knows? I couldn’t take it any longer last night. I had to get out. So I drove around Daybreak and actually found somebody in need. It was past midnight and out by the temple there was a lady walking by herself. I turned around and stopped because she was wearing a TINK sweater just like mine. I asked her if she was okay and she said she was staying with a friend and had gone out for a walk and got lost. Couldn’t find Blackshear. So I offered to drive her around and help her find it. She took me up on the offer Her name is Barbara and she was staying with her relatives whose daughter was the star of the Wizard of Oz show. They were in it too! So we found the blue house and she was grateful. And I felt better and went home. I tried to find some gifts to give to people for mother’s day and in the basement I found the gift mom gave me last year or the year before, so maybe I’ll just return it to her today. Who knows? …9:25 am: It’s finally happening. The ward split! Next week, we meet as the 5th ward. May 12, 2008 (Monday) 9:40 am: I am practically paralyzed. But I realize it’s symbolic. I was so ungrateful yesterday and everything did work out. I was in so much pain though, I could barely walk. I did end up going to Lola’s with the family for a Mother’s day lunch. We got to sit out on Lola’s new deck. It is so pretty, and it was sunny and warm and so relaxing. Lola had taught the grandkids some mother’s day songs and had them sing them to me and Jenilyn. Also, Jenilyn said the prayer on the food, which made me cry. She was so embarrassed, but it was very touching. While I was relaxing in grandma’s blue recliner, an email came in on my phone from mom, actually it seems like it was a text. Who knows? At 1:36 pm, she wrote: “Sylvina I hope you are feeling okay just want to let you know I am thinking about you and love you I hope you have a happy mothers day I am sorry you do not agree with my choice to work things out with sylvan.” I showed Shawn and tried to figure out if I’m supposed to respond to that. It would have been fine except for the biting and accusatory remark at the end. Doesn’t she realize that all I ever wanted was for them to work it out? She’s the one who has turned her back on me, telling me I’m so controlling and I’m the devil. We actually read Mosiah 3 as a family last night, and that’s what people told Christ, “that he hath a devil in him.” So, Shawn helped me realize that I didn’t have to do anything. He took charge and went in Lola’s office and set up a reply. He told me to leave and he would have me read it before he sent it. He brought me in 10 minutes later and asked for my dad’s email address so he could send it to both of them. I read it, and it was beautiful. It was my man protecting me with power and authority, showing my parents how much he loves me and putting them in their place! I just read his email over and over cause I had him BCC it to me, so I have it on my phone. I better print it out too. But the wounds will heal just like my back will eventually heal, that’s how this pain I’m going through is symbolic. And this morning I realized that the bed had been turned the wrong way on Thursday when he was fixing it. The spot of my memory foam where I fit was gone. This had happened 3 times before. The memory foam is so comfortable, but when I have to start a new spot, my back and neck get soooo sore. So Shawn fixed it and gave me a blessing. He got the kids to school. I just have to pick up Brandon in 2 hours. Yesterday, Shawn and I went to visit Evelyn. She was so depressed and sorrowful. But we had a great visit. When she found out all the health issues I’m going through, she got stronger in her faith and felt that she had words that could lift me up. It was cool to see that change in her. After we got back to Lola’s, I dropped off Shawn and headed over to visit Judy. She had a wedding invite for me! And we sat and had an amazing talk for about an hour. We truly could talk for days telling each other our miraculous experiences. She knows why she’s in the calling she’s in saying to Heavenly Father “Are you sure?” and of course these things that have been revealed to her cannot be talked about and that’s what I’ve been going through too. She told me about what happened to her on my wedding day. How she felt the presence of the Spirit of whom she was doing work for enter her and was able to view the sealing of me and Shawn. She said this lady loves flowers and loves music. What an amazing reassurance to me that things in my life have happened for a divine purpose, which will soon be made known! I must be faithful and positive and eliminate unhealthy influences and negative relationships from polluting my mind. Even Lola was talking about the fact that we must judge how we are affected by others and make proper decisions accordingly. I offered to meet Shawn at Evelyn’s for FHE tonight so hopefully I’ll have a chance to prepare something special! I need to look up a women’s conference talk by president Monson entitled “Enjoy the Journey.” May 19, 2008 (Monday) 2:35 pm: It looks like I write on Mondays now! Brooke should be home from school in about an hour. We were just over there watching her do her great brain project. She was so animated when she practiced at home, but too nervous to have fun there! At least it’s over with! I picked up Brandon at noon and picked up some Arby’s for lunch, ate at Costco with Shawn. Now I really need to be doing dishes and laundry. I made shoof noodles yesterday for the heritage party, but didn’t have them done in time, so I just ate them myself! Looks like I need to find a new pen. I woke up in pain again today. Thought I was all better from last week, but I worked too hard on Saturday setting up a yard sale then taking it down 2 hours later cause it was not going to be successful. I did talk on the phone with Aunt Lavon for a couple hours Saturday night. We had been visiting Paul so I had called and left her a message. I need to go visit her. She said we should go to the temple together sometime and if I ever want to go to St. George, she’ll ride with me. She did tell me a lot of crazy stuff on the phone about the Crofts, she told me about affairs she knew about and how she thinks it’s in their blood. I think it’s just a cycle that needs to be broken. Lavon remembers seeing naked pictures of my mom in their room one time. Now that I think about it, I remember asking my dad about pictures he had by his bedside and he said they were just for him. But I remember a statue in our house of a gold lady with one boob exposed and she was carrying a vase of flowers. I know my mom said she always hated it, but dad loved it. I always wondered why the Crofts girls were always so sexually minded. I thought it was weird, and I also felt guilty because of it. It’s so nice to know how to change. Lavon also told me about how Garth was into porn and how he would try to convince her to come to these meetings with Sylvan about some polygamist religion. She had told him that if it was okay with Katharine, she would go, but she didn’t feel that she should; that she was happy with her faith and happy with the Lord. I just love talking to all of these amazing people in our family. I have been so held back. I’m glad to finally be free! This week was the PTA convention. I told Marilyn Simister about my successful needs assessment and told her I would be willing to put together an email group for the PTA presidents in the state to share ideas but she didn’t really respond. May 25, 2008 (Sunday) 9:50 pm: It’s been a pretty good day! We combined the nurseries at church, which went pretty well I thought. After church, we quickly had lunch and got ready to go pick up Evelyn and take her to the cemetery to put flowers on the graves. On the way home, there was a truck in front of us with a license plate that read “I AM” I kept looking at it, they turned into the St. Marks Hospital. Soon we came up to the KFC Harman Café on 39th and State, the first KFC in the world. The big address on it said 3890. Suddenly I had the urge to open the Doctrine and Covenants to read Section 38. It was page 63. The section was titled “The Great I Am.” Little signs like that happen to me every day, every hour if I desire! The Lord has something for me to do! We watched THE GREAT DEBATERS tonight with Denzel Washington. The very first scene is a prayer. Prayer in our PTA is something that the Lord wants me to implement here. One of the best scenes is when he’s teaching his debate team and starts talking about his father and the process of lynching, and the man behind it and his methods. William Lynch taught to keep the body strong for future breeding, but keep the mind weak. The educators are there to help the students find, take back, and keep their righteous minds. I believe my dad is probably familiar with those methods of destroying a person’s mind. What’s funny is I never thought I would be in the same position as Joseph of Egypt, rejected by his own siblings, only to end up saving them all. No wonder why I cry every time I see that video. Another thing in the Denzel movie is how the kids were taught: “Who is the Judge?” “The Judge is God” “Why is he the judge?” “He decides who wins or loses, not my opponent.” “Who is your opponent?” “My opponent doesn’t exist, he is dissenter of the truth I speak.” I love the part of how “my opponent doesn’t exist” – my dad is my opponent. How wonderful my life has been since I have been able to find and take back my righteous mind! Someday everyone will see! The Lord will prove me! I wait patiently, yet anxiously for that day. I will strive with every fiber of my being to bring to pass righteousness to prepare the way for the coming of our Lord, so that the day will come quickly that the righteous will be avenged of the wrongs which have been done to them and the world will know the truth and see the light, the lighthouse of the world! I pray that my beacon of light will be a reflection of His! And if I am despised in the neighborhood, in the school, in my family, or in all the world, oh happy day, because I will join the ranks of Joseph, Nephi, Joseph Smith, and all those who chose to follow Christ, by rising above the law. “An unjust law is no law at all.” Civil disobedience to unjust laws are required to make a change and to demand justice and equality. The plan for tomorrow: Sleep In!!! Unless my energy level is high enough! I want to input the data from my surveys and prepare my meeting agenda, questionnaire for the principal and work on calendaring for the year! Around 11:00, we’ll go over to Henderson’s yard to bounce around and have a BBQ. Around 1:00 we’ll probably head to a movie. Around 4:00 we’ll head to Lola’s to help move rocks visit Debbie with Mary Kay stuff, BBQ with Lola, home by 8:00, get ready for bed and for school! Brooke only has 9 days left! I’ve got a lot of preparing to do! Apparently it’s going to take a lot of preparation to persuade Mrs. Strauss that my ideas will work. Anyway, hopefully the CoQ10 I’m now taking as an energy supplement will help. Also on Tuesday I’m beginning cabbage soup. I made it yesterday, See you soon! May 30, 2008 (Friday) 11:15 am: I’m watching a devotional about the constitution. All of my work is piling up. With my increasing desire to read, I spend so much time with my nose in the Ensigns, scriptures, Hymn book, and while cleaning yesterday I was sidetracked by a book called “Great Leaders of the Book of Mormon.” On the other hand, I’m trying to read through many PTA handbooks and at the same time trying to prepare agendas etc. Also, I don’t want to neglect my kids. In fact, today after school I’m surprising Brooke by taking her to Natalie’s house to ride horses! Last night we watched NATIONAL TREASURE. Earlier in the day Shawn and I took Brandon to Red Robin and to watch INDIANA JONES. June 18, 2008 (Wednesday) 9:30 am: I’m sorry it’s been so long. I read a scripture the other day that said “Forsake not the works of thy hands” and that meant to me: don’t forget to write in your journal. I am just basking in all these spiritual experiences. Too many to write. I just try to write the date in the scriptures and in the hymnbook, and keep track of events in my day planner. I’ve been cleaning the basement, not done yet, but setting it up as a PTA work space (so I don’t have to constantly be looking at all the work I need to do). The first Sunday in June was an amazing testimony meeting. I ended up getting up and thanking Heavenly Father for getting hurt recently because I’ve felt so close to Him and I knew he would pick me up and carry me if I fell down, just like Brother Clyde’s son (when they went hiking). He had said “Dad I had fun getting hurt with you yesterday!” I don’t see how I can do everything myself. I know the Lord knows I’m available, but he’s definitely going to have to improve my capability. Our family has been doing a lot of fun stuff. We went to Temple Square. I took tons of pictures. We saw INDIANA JONES IV. Last night, we watched the Celtics beat the Lakers! I really got into the games because of the numbers. Last week my Uncle Donald died. Sylvan called Shawn to let him know about the funeral. We had gone to the temple on Thursday. Maggie had babysat. It was really amazing. They sang “More Holiness Give Me” in the chapel meeting. Anyway, there was a message that night from the Veaters saying they were in town so amazingly enough, I ended up driving them down south. They had planned to go down to Kanab to see their kids and pick up their car. It was a great drive. I made perfect time to the funeral, sat with Brenda and saw all my family. My mom did look back and mouth “Hi” and I returned the favor. Everyone else ignored me. It’s their loss though. I always just did things for them. Now I get a break. I left early to go to the temple in St. George after the most beautiful song “Wind Beneath My Wings.” St. George temple was amazing. I missed the 11:40 session, but I knew there would be a reason to be in the 12:00 noon session. All the scriptures I opened to referred to Noonday. And that I had been brought there that my fasting and mourning would come up to His ears! It was truly awesome! I’ve got to run to my PTA luncheon. I’ll write later! Hopefully! June 23, 2008 (Monday) 6:15 am: Happy Birthday Kyle and Angela! What a beautiful day! It’s going to be hot. I have been trying for weeks to get the kids to bed at a decent hour so I can get up at 4:00 to go to the gym and form a good routine. Last night, we could have made it to bed early but Shawn and I were watching a DVD that Brother Farrer loaned to us called “DNA Evidences of the Book of Mormon.” We still only got halfway through it, but I made us turn it off at 9:30. We were all in bed by 10:30, still not sure if I would be rested enough to get up at 4:30. Shawn told me he wasn’t going to basketball, so I changed my alarm to 5:00. Still my body woke me up at, actually I should say the Spirit woke my body up at 4:28 am ready to go! At the gym, I had a quick workout and got to sit in the sauna and just made it home by 6:00 and showered. Now I need to write about what happened during my workout. I had headphones hooked in to watch the news and I was flipping channels. At one point I was listening to TV #5 and reading the subtitles. It was reporting that the Mississippi river crest is threatening cities in Missouri today and that it’s expected to rise sometime midday. But the subtitles read differently. They said “…the Croft is expected to rise sometime midday…” Of course it was a typo to the rest of the world, but to me it was a sign. For one thing, I knew that I was in the right place at the right time and that the Lord can and will reach me and teach me because I pay attention to spiritual things everywhere I go and in everything I do. The reason this is so significant is because just yesterday I was telling Shawn that I believed that Zion (the location of Zion could have become new, even from what is stated in D&C 84) however, when we watched the video last night about the location of the Lamanite Borders, it is very clear that the Prophet Joseph Smith knew where everything was to be, so if Christ is to return to Zion, the New Jerusalem in Jackson County, Missouri, then pretty much the ideas and feelings that I’ve been having are not right. But I will tell you that I have had lesson upon lesson from the Lord lately teaching me who I am and helping me to understand and liken the scriptures to myself. I know that it has been said that the faithful shall see signs, and I can’t go anywhere or do anything without seeing a sign, too many to write, so much that I would be counted crazy if I were to try to tell anyone. When they first started happening, I tried explaining things to my mom and she called me the devil. I tried telling them to Brenda on the phone and she ignored it. I did tell a few things to Peggy before she moved and she acted like she believed me and said she was honored that I would share these things with her. And whenever I mention things to my husband, he, well, I don’t really know if he appreciated it or not; I think he thinks I’m weird, but at the same time, he knows I’ve gained confidence and that I’m continuously inviting the Spirit to our home, being an example to our kids, and overwhelmed with the desire to attend the temple on a regular basis, whenever possible. There are so many scriptures that almost don’t need to be likened because the names are literal. For example; the field is WHITE, those that could REAP, the HEATHen nations, NAY, GRACE, valley of dry BONES, DAWN over the children. Someday these words I’ve written with either prove me or they will condemn me. If they prove me, they will also testify of the Lord and his strange act! If they condemn me, then that means they have come before the world too early and I will be condemned to suffer even until the day when the Lord shall come and save me! I feel I have already been saved because I have been released from mental bondage and literal slavery to the one who would corrupt the minds of all people that we may live in “misery” (Missouri) like unto him. How interesting that Satan uses media to control the minds of the general population and what has my dad done for a living? Delivered movies! I have been delivering movies and blindly stated that I was about “my father’s business” and now that the Lord has “delivered me” out of Satan’s hands, I can be about my true “Father’s business!” And that’s exactly what I intend to do! Take action. I prayed so hard last night to be able to wake up invigorated at an early hour! My prayer was truly answered! Brooke’s friends Brandon and Allyson are going to come over around 9:am and spend the day with us so they don’t have to go to daycare where they get teased and picked on. They are truly miracle twins. The other difference last night is that I took the Lord’s advice from the other day when I was led to a hymn about the evening after playing Brick Breaker and winning all 34 levels, that’s what’s been keeping me up so late, so if I would sing a hymn before bed, I could wake up earlier! And it worked (I sang #314 last night, it was perfect). Now it’s time for me to get to work. June 25, 2008 (Wednesday) 11:15 am: Hola! I am so excited to tell you about what happened yesterday when I was cleaning the basement! I found a box of Shawn’s missionary stuff with his journals he had been searching for a while ago. In it, I was looking at his patriarchal blessing. His # is 512 (69 blessings before mine) and his favorite scripture has always been Helaman 5:12. Not only that, I figured out this morning that we both got our blessings at the EXACT same age (138 days before our our 13th birthdays). Also, he had a list of things he wanted to do or places he wanted to go including BYU Jerusalem and BYU Hawaii. So I was thinking about Hawaii and wanting to go there next year for our 10th anniversary. So I called Shawn to talk about it. He’s not very excited. He’s never very excited about spending money. So we started a 10 day challenge for losing weight. The deal is that whoever loses the most weight by my birthday gets to eat at the ward breakfast; the other one just gets to watch. So I added another part to our deal that whoever wins gets to plan all the vacations for the rest of our life. He’s all for it because he’s confident he will win. But now I’m going to do my best and I’m planning to make cabbage soup. July 7, 2008 (Monday) 8:00 am: I have been meaning to write for the longest time. Things are amazing. For about a week before my birthday I was really stressed about my weight so Shawn and I were having a contest of who could lose the most by my birthday, so I’d been hearing this song “Go Climb that Mountain” and I’m always looking over at the beautiful Kennecott mountains and figured out that the Lord wanted me to climb (or basically visit and explore) the Kennecott mountain and museum. So I felt so strongly we should go there on the 4th of July in the morning since Shawn was off work, but the night before I realized it would be the perfect day to deliver flyers for the Back to School night and to publicize the website that I just build for the PTA. So I asked Shawn if he could have the kids all day so I could deliver. It took me 6 ½ hours in Sunstone on the 4th (I did take a break for lunch and a movie with the family at the District.) But we missed fireworks cause I was so tired. We watched the story of Jacob and Esau and Joseph. I became so interested in the story on July 1st, when I turned on my radio to listen to my AM 820 and it was some preachers discussing scriptures instead of my music. I checked the website and found that the radio station was sold. That was the day I took office as PTA President so I said “Okay Lord, I understand, it’s now time for me to get to work.” So I walked on the 4th and then again after the ward breakfast on the 5th (Mia watched the kids and took them to Martha’s later for me) while I walked 6 ½ hours in Country Crossing. I realized that this was the mountain the Lord was telling me to go climb! On Sunday since Shawn was home, I headed out after church. It rained a little, which was nice (I’m already sunburnt at least twice over), but I delivered in Daybreak from 12:30 to 7:30 then came home for dinner (Shawn cooked)! The kids and Shawn headed out with me after dinner. I guess I should mention that on the night of my birthday they were doing fireworks at West Jordan park so we did get to take the kids to see fireworks! But the kids got to ride their bikes and I delivered more flyers Shawn just walked and watched. But he took great care of the kids. They went home around 9:00 pm and I showed up around 10:00 for a total of 9 hours walking in Daybreak. I only have about 400 more to deliver today so the kids get to go with me since I’ve saved my neighborhood for last. Well Shawn’s home from basketball. I need to get ready for my long beautiful day! At 1:00 we get to check out a preschool for Brandon. July 18, 2008 (Friday) 9:00 am: What a day yesterday! It was the teacher luncheon, and it was amazing. I was up the previous night till 4:30 am (I actually ended up going to the gym because my mind couldn’t sleep), then got 4 hours of sleep and started working on PTA stuff again until 2:30 am yesterday morning. The Lord gave me a beautiful sight when I was looking through the upper living room window from standing in the kitchen, noticing the full moon shining through, somehow there was a reflection that made it look like the three degrees of glory. I even tried waking Shawn up to see it, but that was really crazy. I’m glad he wasn’t coherent enough to get up cause he would have been so mad at me. I tried taking a picture of it, but the reflected moons didn’t show up. Anyway, I got 4 hours of sleep and woke up at 6:30 to get ready for the day. …5:00 pm: I shopped at Office Depots today to collect enough folders for the Tuesday News Day plan! So now I have 1080 folders in a variety of colors, and it costed about $12.00 with tax. They were a penny a piece. July 23, 2008 (Wednesday) 8:30 pm: I am so sick. I cannot stop coughing. I’m trying so hard to get my PTA work done, but there is so much. I went to the doctor yesterday for an upper respiratory infection that could lead to Bronchitis, so I’m on some drugs now, but I sure hope I get better soon. I really haven’t been able to take a break. PTA is definitely in full swing. I had an online meeting with voting the other day. I’m getting teacher spotlighting done. It’s pretty much non-stop e-mails, phone calls, and meetings, not to mention the folders and colored pencils I’m trying to prepare. And don’t let me forget to prepare the flyer for Back to School night, and a flyer to explain the spotlights. Oh, there’s so much to keep track of. The treasurer came over and we prepared the budget. So that went pretty well. I’m also in the middle of doing 5 batches of laundry and I cooked chicken and stovetop for dinner; and don’t forget we had the final music practice so I should go fix the website. Shawn’s down in the basement putting up a shelf. I just wanted to write because I’ve been thinking about ideas for the power point presentation, but now I’ve forgotten it, but I’ll write again when I remember! July 24, 2008 (Thursday) 7:30 am: Shawn just left to go to his Grandma’s to work in her yard. He was so awful to me last night. I thought I was getting so much done even while I was sick, but there was no TLC, only yelling about the clothes left on the bed (that I hadn’t put away yet) because I was working on dividing up the colored pencils. I told him that if he supports me in the PTA, that means helping around the house to get things done. He doesn’t agree. So I went in the bedroom at 11:00 while they were all out here watching ICE AGE and I threw his clean clothes on the floor and went to bed. When he came in, he got ready for bed, laid down and said “Goodnight” and I said “That’s not an apology, goodnight doesn’t make things better.” He didn’t even know what to apologize for. I told him to go to hell. I just can’t believe he would treat me like that after a wonderful time at the temple yesterday, and praying together, and understanding each other, the spiritual understanding he told me he had in the temple about my ability to apply the scriptures to my life. Plus I’m taking 3 different drugs right now to try to get better and he’s mad that I didn’t complete the laundry. There were literally 2 shirts, 2 pants, and 3 basketball shorts on his bed already folded waiting to be put away, why would he treat me that way? Something must have happened at work. I always think that maybe he had a beautiful or stunning woman as a patient that he just looked at and thought, “Wow, I wish I was married to a woman like that.” Most likely though, it has to do with money. I did turn in PTA receipts so hopefully Michele will get me a check. I better send her an e-mail. It’s been a busy PTA day. I’m so scared to go to sleep because I’m afraid I’m going to run out of time to get everything done before Back to School night. I spend nearly 10 hours today on PTA work and only got about half of the things done that I needed to. I still have to make copies tomorrow, stuff folders, and get my presentation ready for the meeting, as well as inform the media of what we are doing. I want some publicity. That’s the best way to draw businesses in to help us. For them to see us getting attention would create a desire to be part of it! The budget is up for approval today; haven’t received enough votes yet, but hopefully it will be done tomorrow. I am going to need to go to LA Weight Loss and shop for some rolling stackable baskets. I don’t think this house will be clean until PTA year is over. Hope I can get a President Elect! July 28, 2008 (Monday) 4:15 am: I think I’m more nervous about school starting than BrookeLynne is. I had this weird dream that I was hiding from my parents and I felt like they were chasing me. So I showed up at Sister Howard’s door (only the location was Sister Reep’s house). She dropped everything to talk to me and we got in a car to go to her beach house so that I could be safe, but we kept driving by houses and people that I knew. I was so nervous. So all of a sudden I was conscious and ready to wake up and I started thinking about balloons and I realized how to build a rainbow. I really need to work on my presentation. It needs to be short, but I have so much to say. Welcome: I just want you to know how much I love these kids here at Daybreak Elementary. Even though I don’t know all of them, I hope to get to know each of them. These amazing kids who have spent time singing with me through the summer have inspired me in my life. They are so dedicated and eager to learn, eager to perform. I have so much concern for their well-being, their education, and for their mental self-talk. They need us to continually remind them how great they are and help them develop talents, to become all that they can be! Help them to dream big and show them the right way to live. They are the leaders of tomorrow, but we are the leaders of today so our actions will guide them, our example will show them how to be. I believe in a Fit Future. Staying active can solve so many of our problems today. I know that when I am more active, like now, I’m definitely happier with myself and others because I usually make healthier choices. Increasing activity decreases obesity and can eliminate bullying. Misery causes bullying. What causes misery? Knowing the right way to be and believing you can’t change. I’ve been there! I’ve been 100 lbs. overweight and thought it was the end of the world. I was not a happy person for a long time. But a little ray of hope; one person telling me that I’m beautiful, not telling me to change, but being my friend and accepting me for who I was, lifted my spirits and I was naturally able to change. And misery disintegrates along with the fat! These kids are beautiful, they are incredible, and they want to learn! They want to be happy. Let’s try a little harder this year to be here for them, so protect them and respect them! The only way to make a change is to start with yourself. If you want to make a difference, look inside and become the difference! I’ll be here with you every step of the way. Small steps can make a big difference! Thank you for coming tonight! July 30, 2008 (Wednesday) 10:00 pm: What an amazing day. Last night I put together a power point presentation. Today I e-mailed the board with info about what’s happening. It turned out so great! I headed out with Brandon to get Jamba’s and to find a good place to make copies. We ended up at the UPS store, then I headed to Terra Linda Elementary but they were under construction, so I drove through the parking lot of Jordan Valley hospital to get to Bangerter, and as I was on Bangerter I was behind a white CNG van, thought it was my dad and it was. I honked and waved to him but he didn’t make contact. Not sure if he saw me. I headed to Office Max to get the copies cut in half, then as I pulled into a parking spot at Harmon’s I felt inspired to call my mom. I’ve always been afraid to visit or call because I don’t know if she’s with dad, so since I knew she wasn’t with him, I decided to call and see how she was doing. As we talked she told me she was at Jordan Valley hospital with Delcina who was going into surgery because she broke her leg on the 24th of July. Anyway, we started talking about Back to School night. I invited her to it. I told her I was getting ready to shop for produce to figure out a Harvest Art sample to make. She had emailed me a while back about a fruit bowl she made so she offered to make one for me. WOW!!! I was in tears. I bought a watermelon, a pineapple, some flowers for Delcina and met mom at the hospital. We stood outside and talked for 30 minutes. She told me about so much. It was so good to feel like family again. What a blessing! If that experience was not directly guided by the Lord’s hand then I don’t know what is! Tomorrow is going to be an amazing day! And I realized that I’m “Building a Rainbow” for my mom! August 13, 2008 (Wednesday) 9:30 pm: It’s almost bedtime. I’ve been so busy and I’ve joined Facebook, so I’m reconnecting with a ton of old friends. We had our fundraiser assembly today and so far, so good! I would have been a little more elaborate with it to keep the kids attention if I was in charge of it but it was fine. Anyway, I haven’t told you about my new neighbor. I think she is a direct blessing from Heavenly Father. She moved here so quickly and we’ve clicked, our kids have clicked and it’s so much fun! Her name is Sara and her kids are Marissa and Kylie. Our neighborhood has really come together to help her with her floor! She’s just a great friend and so fun to talk with. August 21, 2008 (Thursday) 11:00 pm: Miracles upon miracles keep happening! Yesterday I basically spent the whole evening with my mom because I had stopped at her house to wish her a happy birthday (after taking balloons and a gift to Shawn at Costco). She just happened to need someone to help her drive to Midway. She was so worried about getting lost. So she met me in Daybreak after my McGruff assembly/ Fundraiser kickoff. And we drove with the kids 120 miles, ended up in Riverton at 6:30 for Brooke’s “Live” class and we found a gluten-free living handbook for mom. “WOW” – what a great theme for Reflections this year since that’s the theme of my life right now, wow! I know I really need to go to bed, but I just had the most amazing day with Books and Breakfast this morning, I think over 500 people showed up. We basically had to start giving away granola bars and cutting muffins in half after we ran out of donuts, but it was such an excellent turnout. I posted pictures online and posted a review about it. Anyway, after all the work I did at the school today, meeting with Board members, I headed to the Utah PTA in Murray and made it right before 5:00 and got to visit with Ginger and Marilyn (the President). I told them all about the stuff we’ve got going on and they were telling me I need to apply for a special award and get the news out there to publicize what we’re doing – WOW – another big WOW! As I was driving, this speech came into my mind: “Our actions need to be consistent with our words, otherwise we are mentally abusing our children. If our children are the leaders of tomorrow, that makes us the leaders of today and we need to show them through our actions and our examples the right way to be. If we tell them to eat healthy, we need to eat healthy. If we tell them to quit watching TV, we need to quit watching it, etc.” August 30, 2008 (Saturday) 1:30 pm: I’ve been cleaning house all day. My back hurts and I need to rest. But I need to also write about what happened on Wednesday. Well Tuesday night I felt impressed to make Sylvan a birthday card. I was up till 2:00 am, then I woke up at 6:00, I was so tired, it was D Track conferences, but Shawn wouldn’t deliver the card, so I had to drive out to take it to him. The kids gave it to him, I told him I love him and miss him, but he said “things have to be taken back” but my goodness, he hasn’t done anything to prove the things I said are wrong. I told him I can’t change anything I’ve done for my own family, then he told me I needed to obey my husband. He handed the card back to me and crying, I went in to get the kids from my mom, but I told the kids that Grandpa loved the card and wanted Grandma to take care of it. He is so cold, I’m glad this all happened because now I know what I have to do. I have to let the world know my story – the story of a little girl who thought her parents were her best friends, when actually they were her sorest oppressors. September 5, 2008 (Friday) Midnight: Brooke had a horseback riding lesson today! I think she loved it! I had another Wii Party at school today, it was an amazing time! I finished a Healthy Lifestyles award application. Oh I hope and pray that everyone comes through on our fundraiser. September 6, 2008 (Saturday) 9:45 pm: It was a fun filled day! I played on the Wii fit all morning while the kids played outside with Marissa and Kylie. Sara came over with the kids for lunch and we watched COLLEGE ROAD TRIP! I was working on tidying up the house, updating the PTA website, and doing laundry. I met Shawn at Texas Roadhouse for dinner; we were a little late for the ward party, but I had some great conversations once I got there. Brother Pugmire gave me a huge sincere apology and he was so sweet to me. It’s funny, every day people tell me they think I’ll be Vice President someday because McCain’s VP is a lady from Alaska who used to be a PTA President! September 14, 2008 (Sunday) 9:30 am: Good Sabbath morning! It is finally my chance to rest and to worship! What a busy week! I brought all the PTA folder bins home this weekend to organize and condense. It is so awesome now. We returned the bins to Walmart (most of them) and created 1 folder per family. Now I just need to re-label them and print out a couple notes for this Tuesday! I’m so excited to start getting all of this under control! Now maybe this Wednesday I will be able to start my weekly temple session while Brandon is in preschool! Yesterday Kylie and Marissa slept over (so Sara could go party with some friends) so the kids helped me clean up the basement and the loft so we could bring the mattress (airbed) upstairs. On Saturday I was able to get 5 batches of laundry cleaned, but I felt so sick last night; I didn’t think I would be able to sleep, let alone feel good enough to get up for church. But Shawn gave me some medicine and said it was for 24 hour relief and I felt great this morning when I woke up at 6:30 am! Something fun and exciting kicked my day off yesterday. Regina had sent me an email questionnaire so I was corresponding with a few sisters online yesterday through this sister 411 questionnaire, so thanks again Regina. September 30, 2008 (Tuesday) 11:00 am: Brandon started his bowling class today. I’m here at All Star lanes watching and doing PTA reports. It’s going to be a very busy day. After school, I’m taking Brooke to Girl Scouts in Magna, but this time I’m planning to stay with her so I can make sure she’s having fun. Last time, she said it was so boring. Then we had some big issues happen at the yard sale this past Saturday. We did it at Hunter High School by the street. I spent about 24 hours collecting items, loading, unloading, painting signs, setting up, getting up early and trying to sale to raise funds for girl scouts. But Danielle’s mom decided she still needed to complain because I told people they could fill a bag of clothes for a buck. Oh my heck, seriously, people have their priorities so messed up. Or is it just me? I’ve been so spoiled that I feel that people are more important than money and I definitely feel that when you sale clothes in a yard sale, they have to be cheaper than DI (Deseret Industries). Anyway, I had donated over $1000 of Mary Kay stuff and sold it at a deal, so I could raise money. My stuff brought in about $380 but they said the total was about $450 so without me they would have made $70 or maybe a little more cause they could have made much more off of the clothes and they wouldn’t have had a free section. I set up a Yahoo group for them after a few tears and fights so hopefully that will help. October 3, 2008 (Friday) 9:20 pm: What an amazing busy day. I started out by delivering PTA spotlights. I was being pulled in every direction to the point I couldn’t think clearly or figure out what I should be doing. So that feeling passed quickly and I got things done, but I was going all day. 10 minutes late picking up Brandon, picked up lunch at the gas station. I spent the afternoon at Michelle Stevenett’s house going through orders. We started having a deep conversation because she asked about the picture of the house on my cell phone. The Victorian up across from the temple, so I started telling her all about it and it got into so many things; she was saying that her perspective was changing about the things I’m doing in the PTA. It was such an awesome opportunity to have the chance to retell the experiences that have brought me to this point; it reminded me of the intense spiritual preparation I received and helped me to focus on what’s important once again! I know I need to get started on my book. People need to know and understand exactly what’s happening in order to let changes take place and have a deep impact on them! October 7, 2008 (Tuesday) 8:30 pm: Yesterday I began printing newsletters at my house so they could be in color. Little did I know that it would take 12 hours to finish printing and stuffing the PTA folders for Tuesday Newsday. So I got to sleep at 3:30 am and woke up at 6:30 am. Shawn helped me get the folders in the car and I got them to the teachers boxes by 7:00 am, came home and showered and headed back over to the school to help with the vision screenings at 8:30, which didn’t actually start till 9:30 because she spent almost an hour instructing us. So we helped set things up and I had grabbed a basket of granola bars that I took over with me, that was great! The volunteers loved it! It was so exciting to see people show up to help. We ended up asking some 6th graders to come help be the pointers and they did a great job! So I helped Stacy Tucker get started on calling D Track teachers to ask them about pumpkins. I helped Brooke Pugmire get started making copies for Blankets and Bonding. I headed up to Star Student Assembly. There were a few kids who didn’t show up for it, but I was able to run downstairs and round the 4 of them up. So I gathered up the T-shirt orders and went to Michelle’s house to figure things out. Got that squared away and headed to Sandy to pick up Brandon from bowling. We played a few token games and got a bunch of tickets to add to his collection. We hopped on the freeway, picked up Café Rio for lunch and took a pork salad to Shawn at work. We shopped for milk and headed home. Got over to the school to set up the Wii party for Mrs. Bingham’s class in the Kiva. Yesterday I had talked to Julie about taking up some tables and chairs and the projector for me, she said okay, but then when I got there, nothing was done. So I started getting things together and had to head back to get some tables and Julie and Ben started telling me that it’s not in their job description to help me with these little things and that they don’t have enough time. I told them that I’m happy to set stuff up myself and clean up after myself, but it would just be nice to know if they have decided not to help me so I can give myself extra time. It’s too bad because I thought the world of them, but apparently they don’t like the things I do. I have been donating our own Wii for use at parties, I have been donating treats and water bottles and this is the thanks I get…”set it up yourself” I better start getting reimbursement for this stuff. So we spent $400 on the Wii and I spent $16 on animal crackers, water bottles and bowls. So we’ll say the cost of a Wii party is $20. We’ve already had Tingey’s, Olsen’s, Young’s, Christensen, Bingham’s, and we’ll have Clark’s and Smith’s this week. That’s $140 to help with the depreciation of the Wii. We also have planned 11 more in the next month. October 19, 2008 (Sunday) 6:45 pm: What a day! I have been through a major challenge, but I think I’m going to be okay. It started the day that Shawn became a veil worker, our 10th anniversary from our first date (3 days ago). I started chatting on Facebook with an old friend from high school and he was flattering me so much, I was considering getting together with him fantacizing about the things he said he could do to me sexually. So Shawn’s having these amazing spiritual experiences at the temple and I’m here being tested and tried by fire, unknowing to him. Of course, it makes me think that I must have yet to accomplish a great work ahead and something amazing is about to happen in my life. But I have been pulled away spiritually and battling within myself for a couple days. We had our stake conference today. It was broadcast from the Stake Center and they split the stake. We are now the “Founder’s Park” stake and our new President is Brother Cottle from our ward. His wife is our new Relief Society President. Anyway, what a bunch of amazing talks. The one that really stuck out to me was the talk by one of the G.A.’s wives, who spoke about how dumb crabs are; they grab onto a chicken neck, but if they would just let go, they would be saved. So today I decided that I need help letting go of this stupid chicken neck of a desire for flattery and physical fulfillment. So I decided to call the bishop but he wasn’t home. I called Stephenson, Burbidge, and ended up at Sara’s house talking to her about everything. I cried and we hugged. I called the bishop again, but still not home. So I walked to choir early, hoping the church would be unlocked. No luck. So I walked by the bishop’s house and onto Cottle’s and decided to knock and tell them how great the talks were today and that I was out searching for someone to help me. Brother Cottle took me upstairs to his office and we talked, he prayed, and I found out he is a professional counselor. He counseled me in everything. First he told me that it’s silly for me to be in the Nursery and that I could be released, since I’m PTA President he told me to focus on PTA, my kids, my relationship with my husband (going on funner dates), and focus on myself being healthy. He told me to break off communication with my friend on Facebook, then I would be able to still attend the temple. So I did that and I feel so much better! He also told me there’s no need to talk to Shawn about this whole situation, but because I feel I wish he knew the trials I’ve been going through, I asked if it would be okay to write everything in my journal. He said that would be fine and over time, I’ll be able to discuss things with him. He asked my permission to talk to Bishop Bone about my situation and that I would need to meet with the bishop to discuss how to strengthen my relationship with Shawn. I see the pattern and how this all developed stemming from my jealousy, negativity, inability to fast, and losing confidence in myself. President Cottle told me that I need to stop treating life like a sprint; and instead keep my pace for a marathon. I am so grateful for the Priesthood. I wish I could ask Shawn for a blessing, but he wouldn’t know what he’s blessing me for. October 20, 2008 (Monday) 6:30 am: I’m up early to print more reminder notes for this week. I am tired and sad. I started talking to Shawn last night and found out a lot of crazy things. I always thought he didn’t ever struggle with certain things and come to find out he just shredded pictures of him with some old girlfriends. I don’t know the exact reason but that just makes me feel bad, like he thinks that his wife is so unattractive that old pictures would cause a problem. I thought I was the only weak one. Ya know, if he would just be romantic with me, there wouldn’t be a problem. It’s okay to be a penny pincher, but not on a date with your own wife. I’m getting sick of him acting like he’s so poor. He won’t even buy me a wedding ring since I lost my old one 6 months ago in St. George. All I wanted was a gold band; it only makes me feel worthless that I see special occasions come and go and he never does anything special to show me that he knows me and is thinking about me. He brought me red roses the other day just to try out his new ugly “cheap” vases. I guess he forgot that I like pink roses. He must have really bought them for himself. They ended up at Brother Farrer’s since his wife died, I took them over to him in my more practical vase. What am I going to do? Heavenly Father, please hold me, guide me, and inspire me. Keep me close to thee. Please don’t let my family be torn apart. Please forgive me and help me to simplify and focus in on the things that matter most. Please bless me to find time to come to thy Holy House and receive the sweet experiences that lie in store for me and all faithful saints. Please direct my scripture studies to the word that can be applied to my life and help me as I struggle with forgiveness of myself and others. I feel that I am being selfish and unkind to Shawn. This occurs because of my own insecurities and lack of confidence in myself. Help me know how to change. Please help me understand why Shawn doesn’t want to preserve the past. I pray for these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. October 25, 2008 (Saturday) 9:30 am: I have to prepare Brandon’s Birthday party. It starts at 1:00, but I’ve been needing to write for the last couple days. On Monday night, Shawn and I were discussing things and I was talking about needing to do different kinds of dates and I mentioned a night walk. So it was 11:30 pm and he got up and said “let’s go” so we left the kids sleeping and walked around Daybreak for 30 or 40 minutes. It was awesome! I still couldn’t understand why he would shred pictures though until Wednesday. Actually I spent Tuesday up at Capitol Hill for the advocacy conference which was great! We also went to Girl Scouts that night. Wednesday on my way to pick up Brandon I called Shawn to chat, then wanted to discuss the thought I’d been having. Everything seemed to make perfect sense. So he shredded pictures of Shelby, they must have done things they shouldn’t have. I remember reading something she wrote to him about 69. Then it all came together. On our honeymoon, he wanted me to give him oral sex and I could never do it right. So I was a failure and a disappointment all this time, but he’s stuck with me because he made his choice and wants to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. So I started thinking I should research oral sex, etc. He said that those ideas weren’t further from the truth. He ended up closing his door and telling me stuff that truly turned me on! He said I am his perfect lover and that he’s a lucky man to have me and that I am more than enough to keep him stimulated. Needless to say we’ve had a couple really great nights since. I felt so much confidence and security after that conversation. I felt like a Queen! November 3, 2008 (Monday) 9:25 pm: MORE HOLINESS GIVE ME just began playing on FM100 soft Sunday sounds online. It’s so significant because that has been a very important song to me during my trials. And now that I’ve made it through another challenge on my obstacle course called life, I feel that things are never “back” to the way they were; we just keep progressing, even if we drift, when we “come back” we are in a different place. I bore my testimony on Sunday because my love for Shawn has deepened and increased so much. It was Halloween night, the kids got to stay at Sara’s house to play with Kylie and Marissa and their 2 new dogs. Shawn and I went to Texas Roadhouse (still dressed as Tink). We had a good dinner and when we got home, Shawn was in the kitchen going through the mail. He got the tickets for the SAVIOR OF THE WORLD and started signing loudly “I have a family here on earth, they are so good to me…” and I was in the bathroom and I was kind of annoyed like he was trying to make me feel bad, but later that night when we were getting the kids ready to have family prayer I told them about daddy singing, but he DENIED it. He didn’t remember singing. At first I was upset and couldn’t believe he would say he wasn’t singing when I heard him loud and clear. When I woke up, I had this change of heart and this intense love for Shawn. He went to help the Dodge’s move, so I started writing notes to him on little hearts and stuck them all over the place so he would see them as he was getting ready. I don’t know exactly how many times I made love to Shawn this weekend, but I just know my heart is so full of love for him and I can’t let go of him. I just am like magnetized to him and I’m just amazed at how wonderful, forgiving, and naturally righteous he is. It’s so exciting because I feel like our love is so new, like it’s a honeymoon or something! I just find myself wanting to be so creative in giving him pleasure. He’s been a little sick all weekend so it will be even more exciting when he has his full strength back! I just think it’s also been an interesting way to combat Satan, because he had ahold of me and kept tempting me with self-excitation (I hate the m word), now Shawn has given me the confidence I need to be able to come onto him whenever I feel that urge. And I don’t really feel an urge because I just have this undying need and longing for my husband. It feels so good to feel close to the Spirit! I can’t wait to get to the temple! Wednesday morning is my plan! Tomorrow is election day. It should be a fun and busy day! I’ve got so much to do, I’m sure I will be running like crazy all week just like I was today. I hope I can keep everything straight. It doesn’t really matter who wins this election! Christ is the true ruler! In my testimony on Sunday I shared a scripture that I had dropped open to: D&C 33: 8-10. This scripture gave me courage and strength but also confirmed the slight change in my testimony. I said that for 15 years I’ve born a testimony that if we will live our lives in tune with the Spirit we will be led on our path that has been prepared for us to return to live with Heavenly Father, but now my testimony is different. I believe that it is our job to prepare a path for the Lord because he wants to return to live with us! I know Christ is coming! What a wonderful hope that brings such peace of conscience and peace of mind. November 7, 2008 (Friday) 10:15 am: Well, we are going to have a black president! Sylvan must be going crazy! He did tell me when we were at the gym earlier in the year that he thought Obama was the anti-christ, but then he also thinks that he’s the anti-christ. I’m inspired and still looking forward to the day when Christ returns to rule us all! So this morning I have a few hours to myself! There’s a lot I could be working on, but I actually decided to go shopping at Ross. I wanted a new outfit for my date with Shawn tomorrow. There was Mexican guy following me around outside an inside Ross. I was trying on jackets and he came over and put his thumbs up to tell me it looked good, then he started saying something in Spanish, something about “bonita” pointing to me and touching his face. I acted like I didn’t understand. I just said “I’m sorry, no comprendo” so he kept talking and I said “I can call my esposo to translate” so he kept talking and I thought he said something like nice to meet you “bien..,gucho” He put his hand out to shake mine, so I shook, but he wouldn’t let go. I was pulling my hand away and he wouldn’t let go, even of my fingertips. I got my phone out to call Shawn, but he thought I wanted his phone number. I put Shawn on speaker and told the guy to say it again so my husband could tell me what he was saying, but he got embarrassed and turned to walk away when he realized it was my spouse. So I didn’t get a chance to shop. I kept Shawn on the phone so I could get to safety. We decided I didn’t need a new outfit. Now I’m just going to read my scriptures then head to the gym to sit in the wet sauna. My hair needs it! I’m getting it cut tomorrow. Shawn wrote in my journal: I love you, have a Great Day!! Love Shawn November 13, 2008 (Thursday) 10:15 am: I don’t know when he wrote that. I just now saw it! He did email me yesterday morning to tell me he was excited about our date. But I thought it was because he was going to surprise me with a ring or binoculars. I was a terrible date last night because, well, he was always making rude comments. It’s not like he was into me at all. I swear, I can’t do anything right for him. I felt so close to him last week but it was because I was always coming on to him and making love to him. But he was sick and I didn’t expect anything back, but now I do. I guess maybe he doesn’t know how to be romantic. But I thought he did when we were dating, especially now that he has tons of money, you’d think he could afford to make me feel special once in a while. This morning I realized the difference in what makes each of us feel stable and secure. He needs lots of money to feel secure and I need lots of affection. Money is not important to me, at least having lots of it is not important; I’d rather see money turned into flowers, balloons, jewelry, clothes! Gestures and gifts that come from the heart, sacrificing that which is most important, money! If he could just learn how to turn me on and please me and talk to me like a love, then I would feel most secure. I tried to teach him the other day about how to touch me during foreplay but he acts like it’s such a nuisance, even though that’s all I need to feel pleasure, and security!!! November 22, 2008 (Saturday) 11:20 am: “Do you understand who you are? Part of the Father lives in you…and if you continue on this path every promise God has give will come true…They know the truth, all that you can do and you do too cause you have eyes to see what heaven see in you.” That song always makes me cry…especially when I am in need of a change of heart! I have not been going down the right path during the last few days. I have been letting my sexual desires rule my decisions and it hasn’t been good. I have been unkind to Shawn and I need forgiveness. People on Facebook and people at the gym make comments to me that make me feel sexy, and it pulls my heart away from Shawn and from the Lord, I don’t really like it. I think I need to downsize my list of friends on facebook to get a little better privacy. Shawn wants me to get off of it totally. I just think there are so many benefits to it, but there are a lot of negative effects too…just like TV. You just have to set boundaries. So, I’m starting a new diet today. I’ll be taking 4 pills a day and having only 2 meals and maybe a snack each day. I hope I can do it. I have to figure out a new way to exercise cause the gym’s not working out. I guess Brooke and I could do easy steps video in my room every day. I know that really works. 2:00 pm: I deactivated my Facebook account…seems like it has only caused trouble. I guess a lot of people are able to use it wisely but for me it has constantly been a source of trouble in my marriage and it’s not worth it! I want Shawn to know how much I love him and want him to know that he’s the only Friend I need! I hope this step brings more peace and passion an unity into our home and our relationship. Heavenly Father, I know I have done some awful things. I don’t know if I can be forgiven. Please have mercy on your servant. Please let me know that things will work out. Please let Shawn continue to be understanding of my weaknesses. I am so tired of wasting time and making the wrong decisions. I know that my time could be spent doing more worthwhile things that would help to build up thy kingdom here on the earth. November 24, 2008 (Monday) 9:11 pm: It’s been a nice day! This morning I headed over to the school with Brooke around 9:30 for the Reflections assembly. It was fantastic! Miriam did a great job! I was able to be up front with Carolyn shaking hands with the winners. Bethany and her husband were running the slide show presentation and it was amazing! We headed to visit my mom (who has bee sick lately) but she was doing better. We picked up Brandon from his last day of Preschool. It was Turkey Day! Brooke had headphones and dad’s MP3 player on all day. I did Visiting Teaching to Denise with Christina and then tried to go to Pam Warr but that didn’t work out. We had a late Family Home Evening cause Shawn didn’t get home until after 8:00 pm. So we talked about giving. I used the article in the conference Ensign pp 75-78 about God loves all his children. So, I’m going to get creative this Christmas. We’ve been reading the most amazing book about Santa Clause. I found out there’s a city in Argentina called Santa Sylvina! Anyway, so that means I need to play Santa! Or maybe I’m married to Santa. November 28, 2008 (Friday) 5:05 pm: It’s very peaceful sitting here on my sofa listening to soft Sunday sounds enjoying the pretty Christmas lights and decorations! It’s overcast outside and it looks very cold, finally! But still no SNOW! I really have so much to do and I’m not doing very well on my diet. I just keep gaining. I’m 180. Shawn told me this morning that he’s 264, hey I’ve been that heavy before! I need to work on the Newsletter for December. I need to go to Harmon’s to sign up for PTA day. I also need to buy dish soap so I can wash the dishes. The house definitely needs some tidying and organization. I should also go to Costco to buy milk. But I need to figure out how to teach the kids to eat healthy. We better get started on the Wii Fit again. I need to plan a recycling bulletin. I also want to do something creative for Christmas. But I feel so sick to my stomach. I wish I could just fast for a couple weeks! It’s been pretty stressful thinking about my family. My mom told me she was too sick to come to our Thanksgiving so we took some food out to her that night, but she said she was at Catrina’s for 4 hours earlier. I just can’t believe I’m an outcast. But more than that, I can’t believe how long Brenda has had to deal with this. Sylvan has so much control over my sisters. He just uses money to oblige them, then talks terrible about the rest of us to tear us all apart. Oh well, what do you do? Wait patiently and rely on the Lord, that’s all! Live our lives to the fullest, protect our own children and love our enemies. The enemy, Sylvan. December 14, 2008 (Sunday) 9:30 pm: It’s been a nice weekend! Last week I went through a short depression and withdrawal but made it through the board meeting, and got moving and motivated because of being asked to pray at a District Board meeting in January, so that should be great! I’ve been able to get into a routine of exercising to my video morning and night and I feel so much better! I even got motivated to do some Christmas shopping. And on Saturday night the kids went to a birthday party so I was able to spend some time in the basement organizing, wrapping, and hiding things. I’m not quite done and there’s a lot of creative things in my mind that I would like to be able to do, but I need to organize my thoughts and figure it out. Today I decided to read some of the stories that Lee Farrer wrote. I would also like to get out the books by my mom to have some things to remember. But I would also be happy if I could get the house a little more organized and clean so that Christmas morning will be sparkling! I think I may have to rearrange the living room. I just don’t know where else to put the tree. I would love a new dining table. December 16, 2008 (Tuesday) 12:16 pm: Hola! I am relaxing today. Well, I did the first batch of dishes and I’m getting ready to fold towels and take a shower. Brandon’s watching cartoons…Zula Patrol! I am loving naps lately…can’t get enough! Yesterday Shawn and I got in a little fight first thing in the morning. Glad that’s over. We’ve been doing our daily Christmas stories, songs, and activities. Last night the kids got to paint and decorate their presents they picked out for some friends. And we played Rummikub as a family. So eventually I need to get this weeks spotlights ready; I need to get the Beach Party flyers ready for A Track and deliver Julie Gabler’s shirt to Heber City! But like I tell Shawn, the things I do really don’t matter. That’s why it’s so hard for me to get motivated. I keep wishing I could get Brandon to take a nap so I can get downstairs and do some more wrapping, but he just doesn’t nap. He would be the one sneaking around while I sleep; which means I’ll end up playing Brick Breaker all afternoon. December 24, 2008 11:00 pm: A storm is on its way. There is still a lot of work to be done. Brooke is restless. I turned on the dishwasher and turned out the lights so hopefully she’s asleep soon. Shawn still has things to bring in from the car. We had our Treasure Hunt tonight after dinner and got to unwrap my digital camcorder. It is pretty awesome. It was supposed to be a surprise from Shawn, but I called him today to ask him if he could buy one and he told me he already did, so that sucks, I always ruin the surprises but it’s still an awesome present! I love it! So I think I’ll try to get the stockings done first, then I’ll set the kitchen table, eat my snacks and pull up all the presents from the basement. They are lined up on the stairs. The dishwasher is about to lull me to sleep. Merry Christmas. ‘Twas the night before Christmas in our Daybreak home… Our family settled down to read a Christmas poem. The children were nestled with snuggies all around… Sitting by the fire; The Spirit ready to abound! Mom is busy working on her treasure map. Dad’s just wishing he could go take a nap! But what to our wandering hearts should appear A beautiful nativity scene to make it clear Why there’s so much excitement upon this night Open your spiritual eyes and I’ll shed some light! In the city of David, a long time ago Mary & Joseph arrived with no place to go. She was great with child, the Savior divine And a lowly stable was all they could find. She laid him in a manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes That sweet little baby with tiny little toes. A beautiful new star shone brightly up above, Angels were singing the song of redeeming love. The shepherds were afraid, but came to see What the wise men knew, and who their Lord would be! Gifts were given; myrrh, frankincense, and gold… Around the world now the story is told. We celebrate Christmas because of that story And look forward to when He will come in His glory! Christmas time is full of joy and good will Giving gifts symbolizes that we remember him still. For whatever we do unto the least of these Is like doing it for the Lord, and He is pleased. Give Him your heart by loving each other, Take my advice for it comes from your mother! After you lay aside selfish desires, Believe in the truth and magic it inspires. Now it’s time for bed, so say your prayers And when you awake, you’ll know the Lord cares!!! December 29, 2008 (Monday) 11:00 am: It’s time to write…what a week! Where did I leave off? Christmas Eve…Brooke was restless…I think Shawn and I got to sleep about 1:am, Brooke was up at 5:30 am. “Santa came!” she exclaimed. She was excited for us to come see what he brought. She asked if she could wake up Brandon. So by 6:00 we were opening gifts. It’s all on video. Shawn surprised me with his project of turning our home videos into digital discs! Awesome! I actually found my Christmas book I’ve been searching for, so now I need to make a cover page for 2008 and get the kids to write down their feelings of Christmas. My mom sent me a text on Christmas morning. She was alone, we were getting snowed in; we were supposed to go to Lola’s but didn’t get there till yesterday afternoon. I forgot after we opened presents and had cereal for breakfast, I asked the kids if they got everything they wanted. Brooke said “almost.” Brandon still wanted a limo for his giraffe. So I led them to the stockings. They were so amazed there were still presents to open. Their pets stocking had money in it. Then we opened our stockings. The kids both opened Nintendo DS’s. Brooke was in complete shock. Brandon was totally excited too! So, the day of Christmas I stayed in bed. I’ve been gaining weight and my back pain is getting worse. I watched videos in bed all day. PAYCHECK and FREQUENCY. We had all watched NATIONAL TREASURE Christmas night instead of going out in the snow to watch BEDTIME STORIES like we had planned. I had emailed pictures to mom on Friday night then Saturday when I woke up I had an email from her thanking me for the pictures and telling me how it was the worst Christmas ever. So I asked her if she would be willing to come over Saturday night to watch the kids so Shawn and I could go to the temple. She could sleepover and go to church with us too! She accepted so I jumped out of bed and started cleaning. Shortly after, Shawn called to see if my plans had changed…I told him I wasn’t sure. Mom had said she was planning to go to a movie with the Leffel’s but she was going to cancel that and maybe drive out here herself otherwise Shawn would pick her up after work. He told me “Your dad just called me.” He said he invited us to go see BEDTIME STORIES at Jordan Landing at noon. I told him to tell him yes, then I called mom to make sure she was going. And I jumped in the shower. I was a little nervous but dad was sweet when we arrived. He came over and gave us our tickets and some rolls of quarters. He told us to come pick some treats. We got popcorn and licorice. I had brought a bag of water bottles and chocolate raisins. The kids also got ICEE’s. We sat up near the back. We took up 3 rows. We all laughed and ate and had a good time. I don’t know if dad meant well or if he was just pretending, but I’ll take it either way! I actually feel like I matter to my family for the first time in 9 months! So Chena brought mom over around 6:pm because she had presents for us. Texas Roadhouse gift card for $40. Shawn ate at Café Rio by himself after work cause mom was bringing over some food for us. Cranberry salad, cheese log, ham, turkey, potato salad, yams, etc. Shawn and I left for the temple around 7:00 and made it to the 8:00 session. We were home around10:15. Mom told us she had forgotten her church clothes and had dad bring them out. So he got to come over and hang out for a few minutes while they were watching ICE AGE. How surreal to think my dad was in my house after all this time. My mom had a headache and needed some aspirin so I called Sara and she had some. I had to tell her that her garage door was still open anyway. I went over and visited for a few minutes. Came back, and mom had given me a Christmas present, another volume of MY LIFE (my childhood). We had fun looking at it last night. So church was amazing. Peter Barnett and Brother Farrer spoke. It was so great. Mom said she was so touched by thinking of walking in the steps of Jesus walks today. Then Shawn’s lesson was great (ending the Book of Mormon) and Nicole Skowerneck taught about motherhood. It was awesome to have my mom there for that. We took her home after church, then headed over to Lola’s Christmas dinner! We made it home by 4:00 so Shawn could go to the Garside’s to visit with the Barnett’s. They are moving away. Then we watched THE SOUND OF MUSIC till 10:00 and went to bed. So now you are caught up! Ever since Shawn brought up the idea to me of having to enter the temple at the 2nd coming and that the signs and tokens would be some kind of thing we wouldhave to go through, I have had so many thoughts change this year about the way it might be. Temples are portals to enter the presence of Christ when He comes again and the earth becomes Terrestrial. This means to me that the Holy places will be “lifted up at the last day” into the Terrestrial “realm.” The Telestial kingdom is manifest or “visible” to the higher kingdoms. When the Earth becomes Celestial or “receives its paradisiacal glory” it will once again expand to be a sea of glass in a new realm where those who are exalted will receive their own “white stone” or Urim and Thummim. January 18, 2009 (Sunday) 5:00 pm: I’m sitting in the IMC Emergency Room #65 with my mom. She just had a CT and a spinal tap which are both pretty normal. She’s on medicine, Fentinol, and now antibiotics, Rosifin. The CT Scan was pretty normal except some air pockets around her eyeball sockets. Anyway, the spinal tap looks normal so far but they have to test the fluid and it takes a couple hours for the results so I will be going to the temple worker meeting with Shawn and Brother Farrer but first they are coming to give her a blessing. It’s amazing how we got to this point and it’s gong to take me a long time to write about it. I hope I don’t forget. January 25, 2009 (Sunday) 1:30 pm: I am in Relief Society. Shannon Hale is teaching about Elijah. Apparently Brother Pugmire’s Sunday School class was about the Urim and Thummim. Dang it, I can’t believe I missed that one. But I was in Primary while Brandon gave his little talk. He was so cute. He read lesson #23 let your light shine in my new FHE book. Anyway, Shawn is at the U doing his CE classes. I have a roast cooking at home. It has been one crazy week. I hope my parents are finally feeling better. I think Dad is still in the hospital. He went in on Thursday and mom was released on Friday. The have finally both been diagnosed as having pneumonia. It’s crazy that they both had to go through so much to find out it’s such a common sickness. I truly believe this experience was necessary in healing many hearts in our family as well. However, last night I felt very sick to my tummy. So hopefully I’ll be okay but I didn’t really do much yesterday except laundry and MarioKart. I have so much to do. I have to create a bulletin for advertising Harmon’s Day. I also need to come up with decorations for the checkstand at Harmon’s. So far I have these huge amazing snowflakes that Ms. Tingey’s 5th grade class made. It’s their Blizzard. I need to go to bed early so I can go to Jazzercise at 5:30 am. It has been an awful week so I only got to work out twice. I definitely need a new groove. February 8, 2009 (Sunday) 3:10 pm: Shawn is probably on a plane now heading for Seattle. I just finished video taping the kids crying about dad not being here tonight. I can tell it’s going to be a long 30 hours. We’ll be picking him up tomorrow night around 10:00 pm. So I figured I better plan out my schedule so I can keep things under control. Brooke was presented in Sacrament today as the newest member! Sister Meehan was so sweet; she gave up her bench so our family didn’t have to sit all the way in the back. Anyway, she looked beautiful and I can’t believe it’s been 8 years, but at the same time, I can’t believe it’s ONLY been 8 years. So many things have transpired in that time, yet one thing remains the same. My obsession with my weight. It causes me great anxiety and depression when I can’t keep it under control, like now! However, I can’t imagine our lives being any different than they are now. So it’s pretty crazy. I guess I have to learn to make the most of the present. But I usually end up just going to sleep. February 22, 2009 10:50 am: I’m sitting here in Sacrament. This ward is either growing or just becoming more active! Shawn is at the Moran for his CE. He drove with Rhett Veater. They left at 7:00 am. Last night, there was a message on the Yahoo group from Gina Barfuss looking for someone to go see TWILIGHT with her at the Sandy dollar theater. So I decided to do it! I picked her and her baby up around 8:45 and we didn’t get back until about midnight and after seeing TWILIGHT of course I wasn’t able to go to sleep without waking up Shawn! ;-) So I should update you on my spiritual situation. I have been in a little depression since I got on the new medication Finasteride. I’ve been taking it for just a month. But I guess my hormones require extra attention from my husband in order for me to feel happy and if he doesn’t give it to me I get it somewhere else or give it to myself. Of course that just weakens my self-esteem and I lose confidence and motivation and start to withdraw from everything. So I had a bad experience getting involved with texting a friend from facebook. That was a couple weeks ago and I haven’t been in contact with him since, but after last week’s Sunday School lesson that Shawn taught, I realized and had confirmation that the things I’ve been struggling with are things I need to talk to the bishop about in order to feel worthy once again to go to the temple. Not only that, I feel that my problems and mistakes are somehow directly connected to my inability to lose weight and to be fit. Also that willpower alone is not enough to reach weight goals. I need the Savior’s help and I need to repent of indulging in over-eating. So I called Brother Kirkman to schedule an appt. with bishop and today’s the day! I had left a message and missed his return call, but I saw him online on facebook and started chatting to make sure everything was all set up. And as I was letting him know a couple reasons why I was needing an appt. I was in tears. But ever since I set it up, I have felt much better like I’m on the right track. My big question though is “will I ever overcome this weakness?” It’s a 20 year long weakness I’ve been repenting of for 12 years. So as the time is drawing near that I’ll be able to hopefully begin back on the right path, I just need to figure out how to explain the situation to the bishop in a 15 minute appt. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” February 23, 2009 (Monday) 9:10 am: Brooke is off track for a couple of weeks. We had dinner at the Henderson’s last night then came home and played MarioKart till midnight. It was nice to not have to get up early to get Brooke off to school. Shawn is in the bathroom and will be leaving here in a few minutes. The bishop told me I should write down a list of how I’m going to get through future temptations. I don’t know exactly but I think that making a habit of writing in my journal and reading my scriptures every day is a good start to replacing sedentary activities. I need to go get ready for this day and then head to the school to put up a bulletin, just not quite sure what it’s going to look like. The kids learned how to create voice recordings on their MP3 players. Now they are just being crazy. Alright well it’s going to be a crazy busy week. We got lots to do, spotlights, meetings, literacy day, March 1, 2009 (Sunday) 10:35: We had to come early to church for a couple reasons…now that choir practices before Sacrament, the early birds are the only ones that get a seat in the chapel. We’ve had to sit in the back the last couple times. So since Shawn had an appt. with Bro. Burbidge at 10:30, we came in and got a seat. So Shawn just came in and he said they are releasing him, so what a sad day! He loved his calling. And I loved watching him teach. It was a period of super-spirituality for him and I don’t know what will happen now. He may not feel that it’s as important now to go to the temple every week. Will he still study the lessons? Probably not. The responsibilities and the blessing are now passed on to someone else. Our lives were changed so much in the last 2 ½ years since he’s taught Sunday School. I’m sure there’s a big picture that we can’t see and now we will enter into a transitionary and preparatory period. Will we be as excited to attend Sunday School though? Hopefully it will not get boring. Hopefully we will continue to learn and feast on the doctrine of the gospel. 12:20 It’s almost time for Shawn’s last lesson. I just want to write about a feeling that came over me during the benediction in Sacrament meeting. I felt that as Shawn is preparing to give his last Sunday School lesson, I know the Spirit is at work in him and I feel that he may be emotional and may change things up a bit. I imagine that he would actually invite me to share my testimony and now I wonder what I would say if that happened. I will ponder it as my pen is running out. April 4, 2009 (Saturday) 10:00 am: 179th Annual General Conference. I am so excited! Fasting and choosing to give the Lord my undivided attention by turning off my cell phone and computer for 48 hours! Hope I can do it and feast on the word! I set up a workstation for the kids. They love it and they are working hard! I realize that the proceedings are recorded in next months Ensign issue. I am just keeping track of the hymn #’s that are sung! The Prophet is now speaking. 348 missions. Economic uncertainty. #81 Press Forward Saints, #7 Israel, Israel God is Calling, #3 Now Let Us Rejoice, #135 My Redeemer Lives (by GBH) 1:30 pm: It’s harder than fasting to live without cell phones, video games, and the computer. I’ve been watching KBYU, feeding the kids between sessions. Now they are playing in the basement. I wish I knew how to discipline myself to live without all this technology more often. What a difference it would make! Last night, I asked Shawn if he liked me better with my blue contacts in, of course he said no, so we started a conversation about the fact that nothing I do makes him love me more and nothing I do makes him love me less. To me, this is because his love for me is a choice he has made, and not a feeling. This morning when he got home from the gym, he knelt at the foot of the bed and began massaging my feet. Oh, that felt so good! He’s never done that before. The kids began watching cartoons, Shawn went in the bathroom to shower, so I joined him. I definitely feel loved today. I’ve been working on a budget and some financial goals, so Shawn and I can go over it tomorrow. #59 Come Thou King of Kings, #243 Let us all Press On, #156 Sing we Now at Parting Destructive D’s Doubt, Discouragement, Distraction, Lack of Diligence, Disobedience, Disbelief 4/5/9 #249 Called to Serve, #64 On This Day of Joy and Gladness, #123 Oh May My Soul Commune with Thee, #85 How Firm a Foundation #72 Praise to the Lord, The Almighty, #142 Sweet Hour of Prayer, #228 You Can Make the Pathway Bright #6 Redeemer of Israel, #76 This is My Beloved Son, #19 We Thank Thee Oh God for a Prophet #25 Now We’ll Sing with One Accord, #292 Oh My Father, #83 Guide Us Oh Thou Great Jehovah April 26, 2009 (Sunday) 9:25: I’m in the Stake Center listening to the choir practice before Stake Conference. I’m saving seat on the benches for my family. Last night my mom came over to have dinner with us and babysit during an adult stake meeting. It is so nice to have my mom around more. In a way, I hope my parents don’t get back together because my dad just controls her and holds her back. But he was planning on being at church with her today so it should be interesting to see what happens. So there’s been a lot of buzz about this new diet based on the HCG hormone. Bro. Burbidge had been talking to Shawn about it a few days ago and then last night I was talking with Angela Merrill and she has been losing weight and I found out she has been doing HCG so I headed to Brother Burbidge’s house last night at 9:45 to ask him about it and see if he had anymore. He said there’s a waiting list and he’s getting a shipment on Tuesday so as we were talking along with Dixie, at one point he got up and said “I may have a surprise for you” He had one bottle left, and I’m sure he was saving for emergency, how wonderful that I ended up being the emergency! So I took my first dose this morning and have been trying to find the most fattening foods to eat. You have to do that the first 2 days then be restricted to 500 calories a day. May 9, 2009 (Saturday) 8:00 am: It’s Saturday and there is so much to be done today. It’s Day 14 of HCG and I’ve gotten relaxed in my eating, even eating La Frontera last night. My weight loss is only 7 pounds. I reread the rules of the diet. I feel that today should be an apple day! That means all I can have for 24 hours is water and up to 6 apples. Hopefully I can stay energized and keep busy without the need to eat. So I need to make a list of what I need to accomplish today. Last night, Mom watched the kids while Shawn and I watched STAR TREK at the District. The funniest thing is that there were actually people in our seats. Shawn looked at their tickets and found that they were dated from the day before (May 7th) Weird! I had to go pick up the kids at midnight but I’m glad they’re home! A couple nights ago we went to Treasure Island at Hale Theater which was a lot of fun! Shawn told me that he bought $7,000 worth of stock recently! And he made a mistake on his taxes and has a penalty but hopefully things will work out! May 31, 2009 (Sunday) 8:00 pm: We went walking at the lake tonight. I’ve been playing a new game with the kids where they earn tickets when they do good things and they have to buy time to spend doing wasteful things! So far it’s made a huge difference! Tonight we turned on the A/C for the first time this year! I’ve been a little depressed lately but I feel a change coming on! I would really like to put up a new bulletin at the school to celebrate the end of the year! June 6, 2009 (Saturday) 7:30 pm: I’m sitting in my bed. The house is empty. Shawn officially hates me. And I told him tonight that I hate him, as I dumped the Café Rio salad in the sink. He had brought dinner home for us but decided he had to start eating before greeting me and having a prayer. I was so tired from my jaunt with my mom last night. We had gone for a drive to Eagle Mountain. And we actually saw my dad’s truck as we were leaving the town, so we turned and tried to follow him. But it was no use. At least we are pretty positive that he stays somewhere out there and it’s not with Delcina. We heard that Lisa and Razi had come to town. There was a picture of Lisa, Del, & Chena at the SLC Airport Lisa had uploaded to her facebook. Mom & I were both very hurt that we weren’t included in the reunion. I just got off the phone with my mom. She went to Catrina’s today to chat with her and found out Lisa’s flight came in Thursday night & left again at 8:am on Friday. But Razi was at Chena’s house today. Mom had a good visit with them. And she also got an email back from Delcina & I think they’ll go to lunch sometime. Anyway, I was so tired today, wishing I didn’t know all these problems going on. Like the fact that my dad is saying he’s planning to go to Texas & start his own church “The Church of Sylvan Crofts.” But every time I talk to my mom, she makes me feel as if she wouldn’t survive through all of this without me. I’m just so torn. I really needed some affection from Shawn tonight, but apparently he’s too good for me. It’s just been way too long since he’s done anything to express love to me. He’ll do things when I beg for them, but little things are just non-existent care. His responses to my comments prove he doesn’t care about me. And maybe he’s just pre-occupied with something, but I’m tired of being taken for granted. It sure as hell doesn’t motivate me to lift one finger to clean this house. So Shawn is out somewhere in the neighborhood with the kids playing. I had texted him while I was out (after he kicked me out) and he told me they were playing basketball. Then my mom called & I drove home. I’ve been here for an hour & he hasn’t texted me back. He refuses to EVER apologize for ANYTHING. He always thinks I’m the only one who makes mistakes. I can’t believe this is my life. Heavenly Father, I need help. I can’t do this alone. As I begin my fast, I pray for strength, knowledge, guidance, forgiveness, and love. Please lead me to the inspirational messages that I need. Obviously I’m not going to get them from my husband. Please soften his heart towards me that he may sympathize with me and be there for me, that our love might grow stronger. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. June 14, 2009 (Sunday) 11:30 am: Well here I am in church, unbelievably after getting only 2 hours of sleep last night. I wanted to write during the night, but I had too much to do! Yesterday the kids helped me clean & the office & kitchen look great. Mom had called me yesterday morning to tell me she was heading to the temple. I knew she had a busy day planned, so I wasn’t planning on going over last night, but Heavenly Father had a different plan. It was actually Brooke who asked if we could go visit Grandma Dorothy. So we were planning to go on a family drive. By the time we left, it was after 9:00 & I asked Shawn if he would prefer to stay home & he said “yes.” So he & Brandon were dropped off back at home. As Brooke & I headed to Grandma’s, I called mom to ask what she was doing. She said “playing Solitaire” then I asked how long she would be up. She said “a long time, do you want to come over?” I told her we were on our way & I told her if she felt like going for a drive, we would pick her up. She got so excited & said “Oh goody…I’ll go get dressed…that’s the best phone call I’ve had all day!” So we picked her up, drove to the Harman Drive house (she had some keys she wanted to try out & she actually got in the candy store door” but probably dropped the battery cover of her phone cause it was gone & her phone no longer worked. We drove on the freeway to the Bluffdale exit to check out the IMPACT Training center, but no sign of dad. So we headed to Eagle Mountain. First we drove by Delcina’s house. It was dark around the house with a little blue light glowing so you could tell they were watching a movie. So I was planning to just drive back out of town; let me just draw a map of what happened. Mom saw a van so we flipped a U turn to follow it. We followed the van here, it wasn’t him, so we turned around. I thought since we were close we should look at Del’s old house but kept going on what seemed like a major roadway. We went past Lone Tree all the way to an area where there was a church dance going on, turned around, came back & felt inspired to turn left on to Lone Tree. There we saw a house with a CNG van, looked like dad’s, we wrote down the number, & covered with goose bumps, we headed home. We dropped Brooke off at home at midnight. Shawn was still up & put her to bed while I took mom home. We checked her vehicle file & when we saw that the license plate of dad’s van was the same as the one on Lone Tree, we both fell to our knees crying. We talked for a while, then I headed home, talked with Shawn for an hour, played around, then got up to play on the computer & research my dad’s house. I found a lot of great info, laid down at 5:00, full of energy & knew the Lord had more for me to do so I drove back to Eagle Mtn., took a video & a picture of the house, headed back to mom’s to share the info with her and give her a phone to use (Shawn’s old phone) till she gets to T-Mobile on Monday. She’s having Catrina’s family over for dinner today so I hope all goes well with that. I got home at 7:30 am & finally slept! June 30, 2009 (Tuesday) 4:00 am: Today is the Final Field Day! I haven’t slept at all either. It’s so frustrating. I’m supposed to be waking up in 2 hours but instead I’m eating toast and writing in my journal. I should have written earlier cause I know the urge to write has been so prevalent over the last week or so, but time & energy have not been working together for me lately. I don’t even know where to begin. I think I’ll make a chronology of events to save time. I talked on the phone with Brenda last night & knew I needed to write all this down. June 18th (Thursday) Shawn & I work at the temple open house 10:30 am – 4:00 pm. Brandon had slept over at Grandma Dorothy’s 2 nights in a row. We picked him up around 4:30. On our way home we were rear-ended by a truck. Shawn spoke Spanish to the guy (Jose Flores). It was a blessing since we spent the whole day at the temple. I had been begging for a new car so I could go spy in Eagle Mtn. P.S. During one of my breaks at the temple, I saw a message from Brenda. She sounded so depressed & in despair, rejected, alone, etc. I called & left a message telling her there was so much I could tell her about. We talked for 3 hours that night on the phone & she planned to come up the next day. June 19th (Friday): Brenda arrives with 3 kids. We see a movie, try to find Joy’s wedding, drive Prove canyon to see mom in Midway. Swim, sauna, relax till midnight. Drive home in Brenda’s van. June 20th (Sat): Visit mom at her house. Brenda stays to visit for 6 hours with mom. Teaching her about being assertive! I had taken mom’s car & all the little kids so mom came out with Bren to drive her car home. We decided to go for a drive to Eagle Mtn. to show Bren the house & visit Del. Shawn got all 5 kids to bed! What a sweetheart! We had a great visit with Del, Cody, Dakota, & Solomon. We knew they were lying about so many things though. Still, it was a pleasant visit, a great drive, & we laughed a lot! Especially about me using a spray bottle to “water my hair” to make it grow (which I’m planning to do when I’m done writing!) June 21st (Sunday): Bren & Mom come to church with me at 11:00. I make a ham for lunch. Mom helps, does dishes. I’m getting frustrated with having guests. Bren books a hotel online. Mom got a text from dad telling her he has a letter for her. She was emotional. It was my 2nd Father’s day with a father. She had said earlier that she wished I would sent him a text to wish him a happy day. I responded by saying “did you?” so she felt bad & texted him. I didn’t. After everyone had left…Peace…till Dad called Shawn to say he wanted to bring over a letter to me. I called mom to find out what it said. Hers was much longer but she read most of it over the phone. I began typing up a letter for dad. I had a shredder plugged in on the porch, a video camera ready & I was prepared for him. He finally showed up & took my letter as an “exchange” tried to act like he was Grrreat!!! I shredded the letter right then & there. Then cried all night to Shawn because mom was acting like it actually meant something. It was a last ditch effort to get all his daughters on his side before the “UGLY” divorce. But the reason the divorce will be ugly is because they’re going to find out he hasn’t paid taxes for over 10 years; he’s illegally restructuring the family business; he is most likely mentally ill (just like his sister and most of his kids). He’s been abusing his family for decades. I’m so thankful that I’m not blind anymore. June 24 (Wednesday): Ran errands to apply for the HIP Utah insurance since I’m “Uninsurable” because of my alopecia. Got the estimate on our car damage from the accident. June 25 (Thursday): Spent the day at Lagoon with Shawn & Brandon. Too tired to meet mom in Manti. Mom said she saw Rianna at the pageant. June 26 (Friday): Mom decided she wants to live in Manti & run a bed and breakfast. She tells her boss (in response to his message about firing the maintenance guy) that she will be the one to go if they can’t afford him. June 27 (Saturday): I’m cleaning closets! Mom calls to get some “advice.” She got a text from Dad to meet him at Gringo’s with his “friends” to talk about his “heart.” I tell her not to go, but she really wants to see who his friends are. I tell her if she goes, dad will think she’s sad, lonely, and still his beckon call girl. I said “It’s too bad you don’t have your secret car” she said “I do.” There was a family moving in that didn’t have enough money so she helped them out and took their car that they were trying to sell as collateral. She started feeling better and ended up driving up there and parking across the street and took some pictures. One girl did look like Koree. The other 2 were a guy and a girl. When they left, she didn’t know what car they were in, but she went by Harman Drive and they were there in a black Mercedes. She parked at the church & took pix. She said it looked like they were looking all around the house as if to buy it. She thought they must have wanted her to sign something to sell it at Gringo’s. Mom started preparing, making a binder of info for mediation. I think I visited her Saturday. Yeah, I took the kids to a birthday party, went tanning, then visited mom for a few minutes. That’s when she told me all about Manti. On my way home, I called Brenda and left a message. She fb’d me and ended up calling to talk last night. June 28 (Sunday): I led the music in R.S. We are moving to a new bldg. & time on my b-day next week! June 29 (Monday) Delivered gifts to 6th graders, headed to HIP Utah to clarify info. I was accepted as “Uninsurable” now I have coverage for $242/month and the rest of the fam have humana for $60/month. Much better than $513 for Select Health. I took the car in, got a rental car from a lady at Enterprise with the last name FIRMONT! License plate of the blue Sebring Z777BS. Jackpot! 3 7’s means perfection. It means I was in the right place at the right time and I have a different car now for a few days to be able to accomplish whatever the Lord needs me now to do. I’ll probably drive to Eagle Mountain tonight if I’m not too tired. Mom is planning to get her Corvette out of the Harman Drive house on Wednesday morning. The renters are supposed to be out June 30th. So that’s about it! Now maybe I can rest! It’s 4:30 my alarm is set for 6:00 but I think I’ll get started sooner there’s no point in sleeping for 90 minutes. Oh, one more thing, on Sunday or Saturday mom went to the Harman Drive house and got into the Theater. She saw an invitation Sylvan had written. Something about “Father’s Day celebration in honor of Me”… “Bring Star Trek gifts” etc. Mom knows now how crazy he really is. She’s starting to see. Thank goodness! I always hate to see a family break up, but according to dad, we are not his family. “Impact” is his family. We are all just meaningless results of mom & dad’s “playtime.” July 24, 2009 (Saturday) 7:50 am: It has been such a busy month! I don’t know what I would do without my Blackberry reminders. We even went on vacation to Las Vegas in the middle of July (I took my journal but apparently never had time to write) So where do I start? July 3: I got my car fixed and back on the morning of July 3rd. I had picked mom up from Walmart because her corvette was getting the brakes worked on so it would pass inspection. They said it would take 4 hours so she helped me pick up my car and return the rental. We drove together to Costco and shopped. I took mom back to where her corvette was and I headed home with the kids. July 5: Sunday, we started our ward in a new building and new time. Shawn bore his testimony as a present to me and so did Brandon! It was so special. Brandon’s first time! It was a great and simple b-day! July 6: Had to take my car to Les Schwab to get brakes fixed, I don’t remember much else. July 7: Meeting about Fun Run! Can’t believe school is going to start soon. July 11: I packed for vacation. Mom babysat that night so Shawn and I could go to the Draper temple. We were planning to get up around 4:am to head out on our vacation but we slept in a bit. July 12: Met Dick & Brenda at Denny’s for breakfast around 10:00 am. We headed to Vegas, stood in line to check in at the Sahara FOREVER. Got a dirty little miniature room in the “HOT” tower. Complained since our keys weren’t working. Headed to a better room! Went swimming. July 13: Had a super plan. Drive to BK to get a discount pass for Circus Circus. Park car at the Venetian. Walk north to Circus Circus, get day passes, play, walk back to Sahara, Jump on Monorail to go to MGM, walk to Regal, see ICE AGE 3 with our passes. I was on the monorail when mom texted me that she was rear-ended (at the same intersection as me 47th & Bang.) In our movie, Catrina tried calling me. We texted, then talked on our way to M&M. I also talked to mom. We watched the M&M movie, then headed to Bellagio (after Brooke bought a Rubiks Cube). We were perfect timing for “Time to Say Goodbye.” I planned it that way. We headed to Caesar’s Palace to eat dinner at Planet Hollywood with our Gift Certificates, bought a bag, a golf ball, & sunglasses for Shawn (but now they’re mine since they’re girly). He lost his glasses on the Roller Coaster. We watched a lame show, then headed to TI for the 8:30 show. Crossed the street to the Venetian, got in our car and drove back to Sahara to relax for an hour. Then we went to Circus Circus to go on some rides till midnight! July 14: Took the kids to the pool, I was up early and packed everything up. Checked out at noon. Got to Café Rio in St. George for lunch around 2:30, Brenda’s by 3:00, had a great visit, on video. July 15: Fun Run Mtg. Orientation phone call with HIP, took our extra carpet from our basement & gave it to the Jones. July 18: Tried to have a hospitality mtg, but no luck. My mom gave me ideas for doing Barbacoa for the teacher luncheon. July 20: Spent the day working on stuff for school. Trying to plan T-shirts, write cards for Board and delivered them, shopped for luncheon, stuffed roasts and everything in my fridge. July 21: PTA Board meeting at 10:00. I was emotional and on the defensive because of the Treasurer. I ended up crying and walking out. Joke deligated the cooking for the luncheon. I met Chris Merrill and Michelle Hanson at the bank to make changes, closed the CD, called the treasurer to tell her, she emailed me her resignation letter. She wanted to quit as much as we all wanted to get rid of her. Luckily, Gail Williams stepped in to do the job! She is wonderful! July 22: School tours, I was at the school early setting up cones with teachers names to show where the students line up. The kids got to spend a lot of time at friends houses while I worked. I had so much fun giving the tours. Quite a few people showed up. I think it could become a yearly event! It worked great. I had blisters on my feet though by the end. I was home by 4:45. Cooked dinner, got the kids home to get bathed. They had piano at 3:00 while I was giving tours. They are becoming so responsible. Shawn was an ornery jerk after dinner. Yelling at Brooke about eating. I was yelling at Shawn. Finally the kids went out to play. I was working on stuff in the teacher luncheon and he went to bed at 9:00. The kids watched a couple movies. HOWDY TOWN & LILO & STITCH while I finished my printing. I had to run to Walmart to buy some party blow-outs. The kids came with me. We were there at midnight. Got home to bed by 12:30. I tried to get close to Shawn. I was in some lingerie, but he was still so rude. I told him not to touch me without permission and went to bed. July 23: Got up at 6:30, ready for luncheon. Took a bunch of stuff over to the school to set up around 8:30. It looked super cute! 64 places were set. Went home at about 9:45 and gather up all the cold stuff. Everyone started showing up with rice and roast around 10:45. Oh, and a yummy dessert! Kari and Andrea made a great dessert. So we had fun preparing everything. Gail showed up to help and talked to her about being the treasurer. Everyone is so excited to have her! The teachers came in at noon along with the staff. I told Doree that if we get 100% of the teachers and staff as members, they would each get a free school spirit T-shirt. So, she had told me she planned on paying for the teachers, but a lot of the teachers pay too, so they will cover the staff that don’t pay. Doree wanted to be the first to welcome the teachers to the luncheon, so she took the microphone and started talking about how “ancient” she is and she’s been in schools for 26 years and that this is by far the best PTA she’s ever worked with. WOW! I actually had tears welling up in my eyes. I wasn’t planning to cry but I was a little emotional. But it eased up and I started talking about all the plans I had, introduced the Board and let Andrea talk to them about the Fun Run. It was just a very laid back, fun, interactive lunch meeting! And everyone was so excited about the T-shirts! Also, that morning I actually made the purchase on e-bay for the Dolphin costume. So it will be mine until the budget is approved! I think Chris Merrill plans on wearing it though. Who knows? So last night we took the kids to Texas Roadhouse and bowling. Then went out to my mom’s house to drop them off so Shawn and I could go to our temple sealing group. I prayed beforehand that Shawn and I would soften our hearts toward each other. That was when we came home and got ready for the temple. We had a replacement sealer and some of the comments he made, I knew, were direct answers to my prayers. He talked about the fact that the woman gives herself to the man and receives him. He was talking about how man and woman are equal partners and the woman has some say in the relationship. Anyway, we picked up the kids, but Brandon wasn’t getting in the car. So I said “fine you can just stay here with grandma” He got up off the grass and said “okay, just let me get something.” He got his pillow out of the trunk and said “bye.” I couldn’t believe it, but it made my mom super happy. I called a few times and they seemed to be having a great time, so that was cool. Brooke didn’t want Brandon to stay there. She missed him, so she slept in the office on the air mattress, she’s still asleep. It’s 8:45 am now. I’ve been writing non-stop for an hour! Shawn just came in from the gym and said “good morning.” Sometimes I just can’t stand his arrogance. We fought last night like crazy because of Brooke’s weight. He blames me 100%. And I tell him it would be easier for me to take care of her if I could take care of myself, but I’m sad and lonely too much and I always want sweets. I can’t even remember the last time we made love. When he’s into me, it makes me want to be healthy. He doesn’t understand. Then he says “if you blame me for everything, you’ll never be successful in anything.” What? Idiot! Will he ever truly love me with his heart? He loved me in his head, I know, because it’s a “choice” not a feeling or an act. I’m so sick of the way he makes me feel. We did end up having Brooke come in last night to talk about being healthy. I told her that Dad is in charge of the food and he’s even going to say no to me if I want something sweet. He’s going to offer me a kiss instead. Because we do crave sweets when we don’t feel loved and that isn’t mindless blame. It is a fact in society, Shawn is super mean to me. I actually feel hatred and disgust from him because of his actions and his words. 9:05: I turned on the parade, Shawn walked out of the bathroom, didn’t look at me, didn’t say a word, just walk right out to the living room. He’ll say it’s because he’s “superhot” because of working out. But I got up 10 minutes ago and turned the cooler to 72 so it would be cool enough for him to sit and talk to me for a minute. But he’ll come in and say goodbye “do you want to have a prayer?” He never takes time for me in the morning. He never talks to me about how he feels about me. He never tells me I’m beautiful; well obviously it would be a lie if he did. But he always thinks he can just turn off whatever someone is watching in the middle of it, just to pray with him. I absolutely can’t stand that, in fact he just said “I gotta go.” He couldn’t just give me a compliment or say anything nice. It’s all about him. August 21, 2009 (Friday) 8:30 pm: So things have changed quite a bit since I wrote last. First we spent a week counting calories and started getting the hang of it so I started HCG again limiting myself to 500 calories daily with no eating out. It’s going well! I’m on day 24 and have lost 16 lbs. So school started and I’ve been busy! I did 60 hours of volunteer work in July and so far in August I’ve done over 100. We’ve been having a lot of success with getting PTA members. We’ve had some awesome Board meetings. We now have a dolphin costume I bought on EBAY and I’ve worn it a few times. Chris Merrill wore it for the Fun Run assembly Aug. 5th then for the Back to school Breakfast which was yesterday (on Shawn’s 33rd B-day). The kids started school on D Track this week. Brandon is such a cute little first grader. I’m enjoying my days of freedom. I’ve been working out a lot. I got my nails done sparkly! But today I didn’t know what to do with myself. There were so many ways I could spend my time, but it was super hard to decide. Yesterday was amazing! I couldn’t sleep so I was up at 3:00 taking a bath, getting ready for the big day. I was over to the school by 5:15 am to start setting up. It was so wonderful to see the volunteers show up to help. What a team! I had to call Chik-fil-a at 7:15 cause we were getting worried. But they made it and we were only 5 minutes late getting started. Slide show was going, music was playing, the dolphin and the cow were greeting people, the potential mayor was meeting everyone (Aaron Osmond). We had our budget meeting (video-recorded) and watched it today and we did very well! So while the kids were in school, I got to come home and hang out with Shawn. I ended up taking a 2 hour nap (since I knew I would be up late because of Shawn’s surprise). I had purchased Desert Star season tickets for the whole family to give to Shawn for his b-day. We had stamped bags and wrapped up presents for him which we took with us to Olive Garden after the kids got out of school. I had grilled some chicken and put it in a bed of spinach and brought along my zero calorie dressing. It was delicious though hard to watch Shawn eat a tour of Italy. I did have a breadstick with it though! I video taped him opening his presents. It’s so cool when he realized we got to go to a show that night. We headed to Desert Star to see “James Blond, Casino Real.” I had already seen it with my mom, but it was a little different last night. We had awesome seats; table 43 or 45. He got recognized for his birthday before the Olio. The kids got ice cream and we all had a great time! I don’t understand why I did so bad with food today. Tomorrow’s going to have to be an apple day. Bummer. I’d really like to prioritize my projects but I’m getting so sleepy. All I know is that I would like to write more often. August 22, 2009 (Saturday) 5:20pm: I was sleepy last night. I couldn’t even finish writing the lists I wanted to make. I actually got about 9 hours of sleep. I woke up at 7:00 with an email from the state PTA about an event at the Discovery Gateway cheap admission and the chance to see a baby kangaroo. So I texted mom to see if she wanted to go. It only costed $13 for the 4 of us. We were there just before 10:00 am. It was so fun. The 2 hours flew by. We headed back to Costco to shop and have lunch with Shawn. Took Grandma home around 2:00, got home around 2:30, the kids just wanted to watch cartoons all afternoon. I spent the last couple hours cleaning the fridge and freezer. They look great. That’s the 2nd time in 3 years. I think I realized how I need to prioritize my schedule. So I’m waiting for Shawn to get home and I’m planning a birthday lunch for mom tomorrow before the temple dedication. Now it’s time for my lists! August 29, 2009 (Saturday) 1:50 pm: Happy Birthday Penina! I haven’t seen her for quite a while but hopefully she’s doing well. It’s been a really long week, but we made it through (only maintaining my weight loss though) I didn’t get tons of exercise, my back and neck have been stiff and sore. Today I took the kids for a walk over to the district but we hitched a ride back with Diane McAffee. I pray for employment blessing to be upon her! The other day Shawn called our hometeacher (Adam Willis) to show us a house for sale on Pale Moon (4622). It is right around 4500 square feet. It’s amazing, it faces toward the school. I just love it. I can’t stop thinking about it. Now I want to figure out how to make it work. We would rent our house and have to have a co-signer on the new loan. Unless we had more equity in this house. I really think my mom should move down here and get a job in Daybreak. 9/4/09 FRIDAY 4:11 pm: It looks like I’m almost to the end of my journal so I better write small! It’s been an eventful week! I’ll start with Sunday. 5th Sunday lesson by the Bishop was about our next door neighbors, what an amazing and indescribable hour of feeling the spirit and the love of the ward! Monday morning first thing I met Tauni Wiggins. She wanted to get involved in the PTA and we had a long talk about the President-Elect position; she totally wanted to do it, so I thought I had a replacement (she called me on Wednesday saying it wouldn’t work out) but for a moment, I truly thought I was going to take a break! I spent so many hours getting things ready for the Fun Run (helping Andrea). It turned out amazing on Thursday! I video taped the whole thing. So we brought in over $11,000 and everyone got a cute T-shirt. The prize drawing was fabulous! Everything was just great, except a little complaint about someone not winning. The complaint came from Sister Child, so I feel that I should just take something over and visit with her. I’m sure she is struggling. Anyway, Monday I called Amy Veater to see if I could come over and get my nails fixed. That worked out perfect but I was talking about trying to get into this other house and she was talking about arguments with her husband’s job situations. She said I gave her hope and she gave me appreciation for what I have. Monday, Shawn decided to “hire” me as an organizational consultant, so he’ll pay me every month to create a paper trail allowing me to qualify for a house if the opportunity arises in the future. Every day this week, I have woke up between 4 and 5 am to go to Gold’s gym or to set up stuff at the school. And I feel fantastic! I’m down to 173 and I can’t believe that just 6 weeks ago I was 197. So there have been so many amazing experiences…just took a phone call from mom. She told me that she’s taking a job in Texas (she’s so excited). We talked about her plans and I’m going to drive her car out to her and fly back. And we get to baby sit her grand piano! Talk about motivation! Motivation to get cleaning and rearranging! I have to go do some research on the computer and find something to eat. I’ll be back! 6:35 pm… 7:05 actually. I just told Shawn all my stories. He didn’t like the piano idea. He couldn’t even let me be excited for 3 minutes, long enough to get my cleaning done. What a brat. September 11, 2009 (FRIDAY) 9:50 pm: It’s been a horrible day; a horrible week. I’ve felt neglected and ignored all week. Sure, Shawn would tell you that on Thursday afternoon he made love to me, but it always leaves me feeling unloved. He doesn’t say one single nice word, he just gets undressed, gets under the covers, doesn’t touch me anywhere erotically, then starts intercourse. I guess I should be happy he’s even willing to do that but I want oh so much more. It just makes me feel that he doesn’t care about me intimately at all. So today was bad, last night I had waited up for him. He was at basketball, but it was almost midnight when he got home. It’s been 3 or 4 times this week he’s had to stay out late or get up early for sports. He doesn’t even acknowledge me most times. Then he’s constantly yelling at the kids; getting mad about every little thing. Then today we met him at LaFrontera. Afterwards, he handed me the milk out his window to stuff in my car, but there was hardly any room. He wouldn’t even help me and my hands were full, but he wouldn’t take the kids with him, and he had to go visit grandma, so I was supposed to head home, but I made a bad choice and tried turning left in construction out of La Frontera, got hit by a car coming around the corner that I didn’t see. So we spent the last 2 hours dealing with that mess. Shawn came back when I called him so he was able to take care of it all and I haven’t thanked him, but I got a ticket and I was bawling. The pain in my neck and head are starting to set in. The car had to be towed. It just so happened that the gate was open at Central Auto and it all worked out (as if this were planned), timing and everything. I thought it was great that we all got to ride with Shawn in his car, but when we got home he just sat down as if he’s ready to watch TV but then asked about the laundry to make sure his basketball shorts were clean which they weren’t so I had to jump up an run to his aid to start some laundry. He just doesn’t care one bit about me. He’s so greedy in every aspect. I should’ve probably gone in an ambulance but I knew it was my fault and I wasn’t sure if auto insurance would cover my problems or not. It would end up just increasing our premium in the end. I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING IGNORED BY MY HUSBAND. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO? LOSE 50 LBS? ALL HE CARES ABOUT IT WEIGHT. December 10, 2011 (Saturday) 10:00 am: It’s time for closure. It is so hard for me to read and write about these experiences I had when I was married. I dream about my babies every night. I miss them so much. Being with David definitely fills a void in my lonely heart, and I know that someday when my kids are older and independent, I will be able to spend more time with them. But hoping and praying are things of the past for me. As children we grow up believing in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, but the adults play the role. I have now placed religion in the same category because it’s the ultimate offender in inconsistency (mental abuse). Parents yelling at children to get to church so they can have peace and joy is a huge oxymoron. I would feel good at church as a child, but then I would come home to a hateful environment where parents hit kids, spanked them, and called them names, and punished them. Parents would fight, throwing chairs at each other or plain old ignoring each other. For me, when I try to sit through a church meeting, it now creates inner lack of peace because I know I’m not at ease to be myself. Religion was the basis behind every bipolar episode that I had, so I know I’m safe if I stay away from it. And I’m lucky to be married to someone who will let me be the way I want to be. I also now have a relationship with my father that is void of judgment and also void of inconsistencies. Unfortunately there are still judgmental people in my family, but someday I hope we can all accept each other for the choices that we’ve made. I for one, will never force religion upon my kids so when they grow up and start questioning the church, they will always have a parent that accepts them. I found my missing peace when I learned to love myself and even though I had to give up a life of luxury, spend time in jail, and be on probation for a couple years, it’s worth it to bring a generational cycle of mental abuse to a halt.